My Husband, Zac.

It goes without saying that when you're married you obviously love the person you are married to---at least I hope so. It is true in my case as well.

I love my Zac.

I pondered for awhile today on the overwhelming importance of being married to someone you trust and rely on. Someone who sees you. Someone who sees past a "fat day" and into the hurting depths of who you are.

That is my Zac. But alas, it was not always that way.

Our first year of marriage was rocky, as it is for most couples, but unlike other couples Zac and I were thrown into a whirlwind of marriage and a family. All in one. All at once. All the time. It was difficult to make time for each other and when we did we were just exhausted. It broke down many levels of communication between us and at times described our relationship as simply roommates. We knew how to do "roommate"... we did it for a year while I was living in Fort Collins.

But we both realized we didn't want to be roommates anymore. Something had to change.

It meant saying no to friends and yes to each other.

It meant swallowing one's pride, daily, hourly...ok like every second.

It meant putting our relationship before Cohen. Marriage comes before children, I will always believe that.

It meant making time for each other, even if we were exhausted.

It meant getting up earlier so we could have an hour by ourselves.

It meant buying less so we wouldn't have to work more.

Wow. World. Of. Difference.

Honest to goodness we fell in love all over again.

What I love about Zac the most is his incredible (and I mean incredible) ability to make friends with anyone. You know that guy you knew in high school who was friends with everyone?! That was Zac. He is a magnet for hurting people, funny people, popular people, nerds and interestingly enough... outcasts.

I have drastically learned to extend myself to others being married to Zac.

I love that he never shies away from be spontaneous. He gets and idea and he goes! Now I am the planner...so... we balance out nicely. But when he gets excited and gets fire behind an adventure...there is no stopping him.

I love that he pretends to hit on me in the grocery store, mall or something of the like. I mean, at the core, he really is just a big flirt. I love it when we act like total strangers, soo hilarious... "So, my place or yours?" as Cohen screams "DADDDDDDDDDA!!!!"

I love that he deeply cares about his role as a father. I never knew how sexy fatherhood could be until Cohen got older and we could really "parent." I am astounded at the amazing level of maturity that comes from his mouth when we rebuke, correct and train for righteousness. He is proud of his role. And that my friends, is such a gift to me, the mama.

I love that he has made me a mountain girl. No one from high school or even college would believe me if I told them I'm a mountain girl now. I still am hesitant about the snow but I will hike and bike until Zac tells me to stop. One of the most bonding moments for the 2 of us is when he took me biking in Garden of the Gods (p.s. SOOOOO HARD!!) and we were going up a really hard hill. Zac made it up there in 2 minutes... I got up halfway up the hill, threw up on the side of the rode, wiped my mouth off and kept biking. I don't think I have ever been more sexy to Zac in my whole life (I'm completely serious).

I love that he challenges my thinking. He never allows me to be completely satisfied with an idea or a perspective. He is the devil's advocate in almost any setting but is caring. So very caring.

I love that he lets me be me. He understands that I need time by myself and understands that school plus work equals a tired mama. But his caring heart is what draws me to him. He is constantly endearing himself to me. :)

I could go on and on and on. I guess I'm just feeling sappy. Who knows. I wanted to dote on a man who I have been with for four or so years and have known since I was an awkward 6th grader. He was the first boy that ever held my hand in 8th grade and the first boy who told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. He wrote me the sweetest, corniest valentines note when we were both 13. I still have it.

I love being married to my best friend. It makes me smile. Everyday.

The Perfect Question

Cohen grounds me. He reminds me how human I really am. He kisses my face and tells me I am his princess. He lies his head on my stomach and smiles big. He shows me Jesus. Everyday.

That is why tonight's experience opened my eyes. It gently reminded me of the incredible role I have.

Again, typically night at school. I have health psychology tonight from 7-10pm and frankly I just was not in the mood to go. I love to learn, yes. But tonight, I was missing my Cohen. I hadn't seen him all day and going to class would mean I wouldn't see him until morning. Blah, blah, blah... victim, victim, victim.

One more semester Mackenzie, you got this. Haha, you should really see me... I actually give myself a pep talk before some of the classes. :)

I strolled into my class where we are packed like sardines. There are 55+ of all of us and we are crammed in those little desks (that I swear were made for 2nd graders). I nonchalantly sat down in middle row/middle desk seat. For some reason I was super fidgety. I played with my hair, chewed my gum like a drug and tapped by impatient foot against the desk in front of me.

Our pleasantly plump precious teacher stood up at the front and with a big toothy grin informed the class that we were going to do a fun little ice breaker.

Am I the only one that hates ice breakers?

Half the class rolled their eyes and the other half I'm sure could careless. Here we are.... college students... playing an ice breaker game. Awesome.

I was relatively thrilled because any chance to not sit in those desks was a fantastic idea.

We played an ice breaker that involved the teacher declaring "this or that" statements. For example: Are you more of a tortoise or a hare? Do you consider yourself a liquor cabinet or a book shelf? Do you like the beach or the mountains? Are you a cat or a dog?

They are silly in nature but the class trekked back and forth in the tiny classroom. Most of the time we are all laughing. I mean the questions were just so outlandish! Of course, most of the kids decided they were "liquor cabinets" (I mean really... we're in college) and other times I could hear jokes about the dog vs. cat debate (do you realize that people actually get heated over cats??!!). Then she asked a hilarious questions,"Are you a Colorado person or a Texas person? HA! The entire class ran to the left side of the classroom. No one would be caught dead saying they chose Texas over Colorado. I was in the very front of the massive group to the left as we all smashed into each other. We were all laughing and commenting on the great nation of Texas.

Then my teacher smiled her big tooth smile and stated her next question "If you have kids go to the right, if you don't stay to the left."

I tousled my hair, pulled on my jacket and walked to the right side of the classroom. I walked confidently. I kept thinking about Cohen and his big fat wet kisses, his laugh that is contagious, his ability to manipulate me into giving him cookies and his strange fascination with scissors. Time seemed to slow down as I walked 9 steps to the other side of the room.

Then I turned around still smiling. I looked quickly to my left and right sides. A shrill of adrenaline came over me, the introvert.

No one was next to me. Did I just walk the plank?

Immediately I thought I would be embarrassed and upset. I thought I would play dumb and run to the other end of the room. I thought I would make up some excuse about being a mom and how it was an accident.

But there I stood, hands twitching, looking at the 100+ eyes darting their attention strait at me.

I never wanted to be a mom. I never wanted kids. I didn't enjoy kids. I was completely set on being selfish for the rest of my life and perhaps---eh---maybe kids when I was 40. And actually, probably just one. I remember years earlier standing in my college freshman English class 6 months pregnant with Cohen and telling the class that I was expecting a baby. No one knew. I wasn't proud. I wasn't enthusiastic. I wasn't ecstatic. And I didn't care. About anyone. I resented my big bump that was my child.

This moment mirrored that moment to a tee. I was almost on the verge of tears. It was a painfully emotional moment for me. When we are faced with life the way we knew and the life as we know it now... it hurts.

I shrugged those horrid feelings off and sighed.

I stood for the first time in front of a classroom proud of my label. Proud of being a mother. Proud to look into each of their 100+ eyes and smile knowing that yes I was different than them but my severe loyalty as a mother won over.

To the back I heard a guy yell "You look like you're 17!"

Instead of being resentful, I smiled and said "I hope he's saying that in 20 years!"

Everyone laughed. Awww yes, the real ice breaker was now made.

I closed my eyes for a moment and pictured my baby boy. What a gift I have been given and what an incredible little boy to be so proud of.

The teacher was finished with her questions and we all scurried back to our seats. I felt an overwhelming peace.

I was different than everyone else. But that's ok. I'm young. But that's ok.

I was proud.

And that reminder my friends, was a big wet kiss from my Abba.

I...

met and interesting woman tonight.

There I was in my Theories of Personality class student #59 racing to my seat as the clock struck 4:30pm on the dot. It is a large class of about 100 students. Most everyone is chatting and the term "clanging symbol" came to mind. Colorful characters strewn about as I opened the classroom door.

Wow this is a rowdy group, I thought.

I sat at the only chair that seemed to be last in the very last row of the class. It is always such a sight to walk slowly up the steps to your seat.

Is my hair a mess? Probably. Is my fly down? Who knows, Can't check now I have too many books in my hand. Is everyone staring at me? Eh, like I really care.

I threw my books on the table, took off my twelve layers of clothing (don'tcha love Colorado) and plopped in my seat. I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. I have two 3 hour classes on Monday nights and the quicker I can get them over with the better.

I looked to my left and an overweight middle eastern girl who had a face that was flawless (Her skin was like a dolls!) was sitting next to me. She was quiet but fidgeting. She was probably in her late twenties but dressed like she was in high school. Wait, who am I kidding. I still dress like I did in high school. I accidentally made eye contact with her as I grabbed a pen out of my purse and smiled.

She didn't smile back. In fact, she flat out rolled her eyes at me.

So here I am, exhausted and a bit grumpy not wanting to extend myself in the least bit. I mean, she obviously didn't want to talk and the lecture was starting soon so it was fine.

Just a typical college class right?

MMMMMMMMMMM nope.

I pulled out my folder and opened my book as the teacher posed this question to the class...

We are going to get to know one another. Get into a small group and talk about what you think defines you. What is your personality?

Great. Here I am in the very back corner of the class. Which means rolly-eye-girl and I were going to be partners. I truly wanted to extend myself but frankly, I am an introvert. Since it's a personality class can't I just say I'm introverted to her and then get back to work?

I looked at her and gave all my effort to put on a really good face. Like seriously, gave all my effort.

Hi, I'm Mackenzie, what is your name?

Melissa.

Awesome! What's your major here?

I'm doubling degrees and minors.

Nice! That must be a ton of work. How impressive. What would that be in?

Forensics and Psychology. I want to be a forensic psychologist at some point.

Interesting... that must be a really cool avenue of study.

Yeah it is. So what's your major?

Well I have changed a bunch. I decided to move away from English Education as student teaching doesn't work with my work schedule and my mommy/wife schedule.

You have a kid? You're way too young.

(Wanting to roll my eyes) Yes, I know I was really young. Do you have kids?

Nope, screw that sh*t, I hate kids.

Me...trying to change the subject. Are you married?

I f*cking hate men too. I divorced my husband last year. We had a contractual marriage and he fell in love with me. I don't want kids, I don't a marriage and frankly you'll probably be the only person I will ever talk to in this class.

(Me, completely stunned but trying to stay calm... I see a lot of hurt, a LOT of hurt in her eyes) Well Melissa, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to but I'll always lend a listening ear.

Yeah yeah thanks.

*Awkward silence*

(Me, really going out on a limb... I swear the words just dripped out of my mouth) Is there anything I can help you with Melissa?

Nawww. I'm just ready to get my degree and do something with my life.

I understand...we're not that different. We both seem like introverts. We have the same personality (laughter). Should be a fun class!

The teacher interrupted everyone to get back to the lecture. I felt a strange sense of sadness for Melissa. She was in the military, alone and with no one who supported her. I was the only person who had probably tapped into her reality in a long time.

I smiled at her the rest of the 3 hours but didn't say anything to her. I didn't know what to say. How do you tell someone who has lost almost everything and are hurting soo bad that God loves and sees them?

I got all my books and smiled good-bye to Melissa as I scurried to my next class.

The Lord spoke to me as I climbed the 3 flights of stairs.

Mackenzie, you don't have to tell her that I love her. You are me to her. Just listen to her, show up for her, you are intuitive. Why do you think you sat next to her out of the 100 seats in the class?

I prayed for Melissa. Her heartache is real and obviously the wounds of something are so far deeper than I thought.

Who have you sat next to recently? Who have you engaged in conversation with?

I make it a goal each day to look strangers in the eye and smile. You'd be amazed by what happens. Some people are scared, some look away, some smile back and sometimes if you extend just a little bit more... they open up.

We all have a story. But are you willing to listen to someone elses?

Tonight

I am officially back into the swing of things. The big fat swing that spins round and round like a never ending roller coaster ride that I begged to get on.

Geez.

I started school last week and when Friday night came around... I realized how incredibly difficult this semester is going to be. I haven't had a major freak out yet (I have about 4 a semester, ha) so I think I am starting on a relatively good foot. But we will see.

My classes are as follows:

Intercultural Communications

Cross Cultural Psychology

Theories of Personality

British Literature 4

American Literature after the 1920's

Health Psychology

I'm excited for my Health Psychology class. One of our big projects is make a positive health change. My change will be to be physically active for 45 minutes, 3 times a week. Seems easy right? Well considering my week is full...we shall see. I am anticipating the project and fearing it all at the same time.

I mean, who doesn't want to be healthy? :/

I have cut my hours this semester from 35-40hr weeks to 25 hr weeks. The stress of trying to keep my grades and keeping a store together was putting me at a brink. Very grateful my job has allowed me to do this. Sometimes I look at my week and think... What are you thinking Mackenzie?

Truthfully, I'm not sure of the answer.

I am ahead on all my homework though (currently) and I am feeling confident to just relax tonight. I am drinking a delicious lager in a wine glass, laundry is pounding recklessly behind me and I hear the shrill of "Call of Duty Black Ops" lingering in the other room.

Life is full, rich and tonight I am savoring no stress.

It's nice to be here... I don't get to come here often.

Still praying that God shows Zac and I his will for this next season of our lives. It is the one thing I hold terribly tight to heart and at times have a difficult time releasing it to the Lord.

Ugh.

Perhaps I'll go make some delicious swirl bread and some unhealthy chocolate chip cookies. This maybe the only night for awhile to do.

Just.

Savoring the moment.