Victim or Victor

Every child that comes from a family of divorced parents acts out in different ways. Though some individuals seem to leave a broken home "unscathed," it is much more normal to have, at least a season, of rebellion. There are (in my opinion) four major ways kids of divorced parents can act.

1. The "I-am-a-victim-and-everyone-is-out-to-get-me"passive perspective

2. The "Screw-you-I'll-do-what-I-want" aggressive perspective

3. The "I'll-internalize-all-my-feelings" passive aggressive perspective

4. The "I-ruined-my-parent's-marriage" passive perspective

See, rebellion doesn't mean black fingernail polish, green hair and breaking curfew. Rebellion is not an action but the way one lives. One doesn't "act" rebellious but rather one "lives" rebellious. And the root of all of these three perspectives is simply... pride.

One of my most favorite quotes comes from an anonymous source. It reads:

“Accept fate, and move on. Don't yield to the seductive pull of self-pity. Acting like a victim threatens your future.”

Who would have ever thought that one's wallowing in self-pity leads to a destructive future?

When my parents went through their divorce, there were many moments where I felt that life would never get back to normal. I would never be able to move past my grief and I could easily fall into divorce in my own life.

I remember staring at my husband my wedding day and wondering "Could it really last forever?"

No matter how one reacts to a divorce it is important to realize three things:

1. I am not the reason my parents got a divorce

It seems so easy to say but difficult to understand. At times I remember wondering how I could have done life differently. Did I make life more difficult than it should have been? Again, the pride thing... those who are prideful would OF COURSE believe that THEY are the ones who caused _______. It's the root of all destruction, let me tell ya.

2. I can have a marriage that is entirely separate of what I have seen.

I always heard the saying that little boys want to marry their mommies and little girls want to marry their daddies. I'm sorry, but that is just sick. Seriously??! Nothing against mommies and daddies but I hope Cohen marries someone because he loves her and is not even subconsciously thinking about me. We are not our parents! That's not a bad thing but a liberating epiphany! Run your race, not someone elses.

Bottom line: The man you are married to is not your dad. The woman you are married to is not your mom. They shouldn't have to make up for what your parents didn't give you. That's God's job and no one elses. Embrace a new identity of oneness in your own marriage. It is so liberating.

3. Accept that your parent's aren't perfect and forgive.

So your mom had sex with your dad before they were married. Your mom had an affair. Your dad had a gambling addiction at one point. UNLESS THEY HAVE NOT TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN LIFE, embrace them and move on. Often times we sin in response to someone sinning against us BUT we can stop the cycle. It takes severe spiritual maturity to forgive your parents and move on. The burdens of their past are not yours to bear.

This most difficult aspect of a parent/child relationship for a child is to see their parents not walking in truth and freedom. It is heartbreaking and at times so difficult but it is crucial to reject the co-dependence. Pray and allow only a relationship with strict boundaries.

Ultimately, one must walk in freedom and truth. As a child of divorced parents there is nothing I desire and appreciate more than truth and authenticity. Not just with words but with a lifestyle.

Be the victor and your own life and marriage apart from what you have seen or heard. Mistakes your parents have made are not yours to try to fix but rather these obstacles are a small hurdle that the Lord helps us jump over if we ask.

Slowing It Down

I put Cohen down for a nap today after many attempts. I did the timer-thing, the bribe-thing, the you-better-listen-or-dad-will-whoop-you-thing, the I-love-you-so-much-thing but ultimately all he wanted was some independence. While I was folding laundry and had given up hope on a nap (he's three and a half anyway), he slowly walked toward me with cautious eyes and told me he was ready for bed. His ratty old blanket was wrapped around his neck a few times which was the only thing he needed. I put him down and he rolled over and fell asleep.

I didn't know what to do with myself after he had fallen asleep. I have this theory that our bodies do better when we are going 100mph and when a busy life stops everything crashes in.

I didn't know what to do with myself.

Now that school has stopped and my mind is not racing all the time, Relaxing is a strange force. I think especially as women or maybe ESPECIALLY as mothers, relaxing seems to always come with a price.

I sat down on the couch and looked around the room for something to do. I could: clean Cohen's toys, vacuum (again), wash my sheets (again), read a book, do...something. I felt a strange sense of anxiety not knowing what to do. I put my head on the pillow and began to realize how tired I really was. Now this isn't a complaining "I'm so tired" feeling but rather an ache to have a moment of quiet.

A real moment of quiet.

Whenever a break comes along I always get sick. I think it's because I allow my body to feel what I have refused it for months. Sometimes 45 minutes with your head on a pillow in the middle of a messy room is ok. I still struggle with that.

I am the kind of girl that comes home from a long day of work and school and without taking off my jacket or purse starts the laundry, dinner and cleaning up. It's as if my mind doesn't know how to just be or just be quiet. My problem has always been to just "be in the moment" as I always am wondering "how am I going to clean all this up?"

If I don't do it, who will?

Life is messy and inconsistent. We can fight it like Cohen did not wanting his nap or we can choose to embrace the mess and allow God to let us sleep while he does his work.

So here I go... quiet, ready and with my head on the pillow.