Slowing It Down

I put Cohen down for a nap today after many attempts. I did the timer-thing, the bribe-thing, the you-better-listen-or-dad-will-whoop-you-thing, the I-love-you-so-much-thing but ultimately all he wanted was some independence. While I was folding laundry and had given up hope on a nap (he's three and a half anyway), he slowly walked toward me with cautious eyes and told me he was ready for bed. His ratty old blanket was wrapped around his neck a few times which was the only thing he needed. I put him down and he rolled over and fell asleep.

I didn't know what to do with myself after he had fallen asleep. I have this theory that our bodies do better when we are going 100mph and when a busy life stops everything crashes in.

I didn't know what to do with myself.

Now that school has stopped and my mind is not racing all the time, Relaxing is a strange force. I think especially as women or maybe ESPECIALLY as mothers, relaxing seems to always come with a price.

I sat down on the couch and looked around the room for something to do. I could: clean Cohen's toys, vacuum (again), wash my sheets (again), read a book, do...something. I felt a strange sense of anxiety not knowing what to do. I put my head on the pillow and began to realize how tired I really was. Now this isn't a complaining "I'm so tired" feeling but rather an ache to have a moment of quiet.

A real moment of quiet.

Whenever a break comes along I always get sick. I think it's because I allow my body to feel what I have refused it for months. Sometimes 45 minutes with your head on a pillow in the middle of a messy room is ok. I still struggle with that.

I am the kind of girl that comes home from a long day of work and school and without taking off my jacket or purse starts the laundry, dinner and cleaning up. It's as if my mind doesn't know how to just be or just be quiet. My problem has always been to just "be in the moment" as I always am wondering "how am I going to clean all this up?"

If I don't do it, who will?

Life is messy and inconsistent. We can fight it like Cohen did not wanting his nap or we can choose to embrace the mess and allow God to let us sleep while he does his work.

So here I go... quiet, ready and with my head on the pillow.