I sat with my mentor recently and we talked about what it means to fully give our lives away. As a young 20 something with a child, a rent payment and school almost under my belt I have a lot of decisions to make. Most importantly for me though... the choices I make will/can impact and influence Cohen's life....forever.
WOAH that is heavy. I think at every point in our lives as parents we have one of those anxiety attack moments where all one can think is "OMG WHAT AM I DOING?!?!?!?" Maybe not that intense...but you get the picture. I have had to make lots of choices recently that will impact the kind of life Cohen will ha
ve potentially. I have one part of my heart screaming out "Why haven't you bought a house yet? Why don't you have a career lined up? What is your plan on making money?" and the other part of my heart whispers...
How will you lay down your life? How will you be an example to Cohen?
This isn't fluffy light stuff here folks.
My mentor told me: Mackenzie, you and I are not meant to live this American dream. Running a rat race toward money that matters not, a comfortable life that makes your child spoiled, and an empty heart that craves....more.
I almost had a heart at
tack. I wanted the American
Dream. I wanted to do more school, make more money, drive a Lexus, travel the world, eat all organic food.... all the time. Scrounging my way to the top and working my butt off to accomplish something that isn't real is ultimately...ridiculous.
Now don't get me wrong... working hard is important. But truthfully I have been surrounded most of my life with individuals who strive for the next tree branch up... violently
thrusting to the top. It is ugly to watch. It has no place in the Lord's heart.
I heard the Lord speak some practical ways I must strive to change:
1. My thought pattern: Instead of thinking "I am going to school so I can have a degree to make more money" think "I am leaving a legacy of hard work and persistence even when the odds were against me."
2. My possessive heart: My car, wallet, kitchen items, bed, furniture... is not mine. They do not equal who I am and they never will. I don't want a mini-van, frequent flyer miles, company dinners, a furnished home, an ipad, a house in D20 and more than 2 children... and that's ok. The Lord will meet me there!!
3. My mother's heart: Cohen is not mine. AHHHHHHH! Cohen is the Lord's. My role and responsibility is to love and cherish him. To be an example of a woman who loves her God and a woman who loves the man he is... no matter what. I am to pray and release him to t
he Lord... Oh Hannah...how did you let your boy Samuel go... The Lord knows.
4. My comfortable patterns: Zac, Cohen and I will serve when it seems unlikely. We will give more and receive less knowing that true goodness and kindness are fruits that are everlasting.
5. My expectations
of what my life what suppose to look like: Send me, spend me Lord...
just tell me where to go. Give me patience for the hard times and remind me that money does not buy eternity. Now that I am 20 something poor and no real plan... I have never had more faith. It's exactly where you wanted me to be.
Thank you Lord for reminding me daily that my life is not mine...
What is the hardest part about being a mom and a student for you?
For me the hardest part is the overwhelming guilt of feeling like I am missing something.
I know... I know... it is a temporary hardship for a long term benefit. Often times though I feel that I have to pick homework and studying over Zac and Cocobear...
Growing up education had always been a focal point in our household and there was never a doubt in my mind that I would receive at the very least a bachelors degree. When I got pregnant with Cohen it seemed that my one dream of getting a great education, living in the city somewhere and making lots of money evaporated in thin air. They sound so trivial when I think about it now but honestly I had to grieve the death of the "elite."
I am almost done. I have one more year (the HARDEST year) and truthfully I don't feel focused at all. I will have a degree in English but have no idea what I'll do with it. Frankly, I would love my masters in some sort of counseling but that is years from now.
I have to stay focused.... HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED!
The best part of my classes is stumbling on the pages of my textbooks that have coloring all over them from Cohen digging into my school bag and scribbling all over them. Cohen is as much apart of my schooling as I am. He reminds me that I am not doing this just for myself anymore... it is a commitment to my family.
So yes there are days where I don't see Cohen wake up or see Cohen go to sleep but I know that I am working toward a goal I will be grateful to share with him at one point.
Sewing seeds now for a big reward later.
I want him to know that education is very important but most of all that my commitment to him is the most important.
I suppose I should stop writing and finish a final paper...
To all my working, playing, studying and cleaning moms... have faith and be encouraged. Days feel at times... monotonous and endless. Remember the Lord sees our faithfulness and dedication.