How Your Life Feels

I was browsing through pinterest tonight and came upon this quote:

I couldn't help but be moved by this. I was moved by the way we often see ourselves as removed from ourselves. That our stories are "better" if we can put them on display rather than actually live them out. If we can spend two hours on pinterest pretending to be crafty but never leaving the computer. To research and talk about graduate schools but never ask for an application. To create a whole life that "seems" fitting. That seems "right" and "comfortable." 

How does your life look?

I have been on this emotional journey and granted some of it is hormonal but alas, I feel as if I am coming into my own. As my therapist says, "Mackenzie, you're getting to know yourself for the first time in your whole life, give it time." I have learned through my own process with her and my own reflection that I am really good at telling the story of my life. I can nonchalantly tell about my parent's divorce, about my unwed pregnancy, my sexual escapades, my poor choices, my great choices, my incredible opportunities all with the right Christian bells and whistles attached. My own verbiage often nauseating me. Is it real?

You get the picture.

What stunned me the most is when my therapist said to me (in my mine so cliche), "Now Mackenzie, how does that make you feel?"

Make me feel?

Um.... (searching for the right answer)

Good... bad... I guess. I'm doing great now though! I graduated school.... blah blah blah.

You see.... when we talk about our life as a status update, a step by step process or a detached action... we fail ourselves. 

You see.... I then retold my story using my feelings. How it made me feel. How it hurt. Where it hurt. Why it hurt.

Not just WHAT hurt.

You see... life is full of ideals. Everyone wants to have a decent life with little conflict, marry someone you love, have kids who behave, have money for vacations and die at 96 in your bed.

Right?

You see.... I'm still a seven year old kid who hides underneath her covers with a flashlight and a book. I'm a little girl who escapes the peril of the outside world. I'm a little girl who closes the door to true feelings, intimacy and trust. I locked myself in a metaphorical closest to escape the chaos of the world, I tried so desperately to control. A girl reluctant to speak her mind in fear of rejection or pain. A girl so intuitive and aware it brought tears to her eyes often. A girl burdened by her own personality and giftings. A girl who felt tolerated and judged for never being what everyone wanted her to be.

A little seven year old girl who grew up but never lost that mentality. 

A little girl who often saw her life as status updates.... "What can make me look good now? Because God forbid I actually feel...."

I get letters from girls all of the time who thank me for just being real. It saddens me. It saddens me that realness is equated with courage.

Sometimes my life feels in ways I wish it wasn't.

Another life altering discovery?

It's ok to feel bad about hard things that have happened. It's ok to feel sorry for yourself.

Yes, I said it. It's OK to feel sorry for yourself.

It's ok to not have it all together and do not ever believe the lie that "keeping it all together" equates to wholeness in your life. It doesn't. And that's ok. 

Feel it all. Soak in it all. Get up when you feel ready. As I told my therapist, "I just want to sit in my shit for awhile." 

Don't be superwoman. Don't make superwoman your ideal. You are perfect where you're at.

You're in the right place for the right reason. Don't fight it or pretend to be anywhere else. Authenticity creates peace. Even if your authenticity reflects a place that is difficult to be. 

Bread, Brownies and Baking

So I am weird about a couple things. One of them is healthy food and the other I'll explain another day in another blogpost. :)

I believe that we should all be able to eat healthy, nutritional food without added crap to it. Yes. Homemade brownies will always be better for you than boxed brownies. Homemade bread will always be better for you than bought at the store refined flour bread.

So, alas, I bake!

The first recipe came while I was looking in my cupboards for things I had. I am an avid bread maker.

It was freezing cold last night and the smell of baking bread was ever present in my mind as I watched How I Met Your Mother. So I grabbed a standard bread baking recipe and added steel cut oats, molasses and honey and out came the most delicious bread ever.

YUMMY RIGHT!!!! Here's the recipe....

Eat Your Heart Out Honey Molasses Bread

1/2 cup of steel cut oats

1 cup warm water

dash of sugar

1 packet of yeast (2 1/4 tsp if you have it in a jar)

3 tablespoons of unsulfured molasses

3 tablespoons organic honey

1/4 cup unsalted butter (I don't fudge with REAL butter on bread recipes)

1 teaspoon kosher salt

~4 1/2 cups organic and/or fresh ground whole wheat flour

Glaze:

1 tablespoon butter

1 tablespoon honey

handful of oats for sprinkling

Make steel cut oats according to directions. Usually it's 1 1/2  cups water boiled with 1/2 cup steel cut oats for about 25 minutes in a saucepan. Set aside when done.

Pour 1 cup of warm water (100-110 degrees) in a 2 cup measuring cup. Sprinkle yeast and dash of sugar over the warm water and stir. Let stand until yeast dissolves. About 10 minutes.

Mix together molasses, honey, cooked oats and butter. Add yeast mixture and continue to mix. Add flour one cup at a time until dough is moist. In my opinion it's better to underflour than overflour at this stage. You want the bread to pull away from the sides of the bowl. Beat on medium speed for about 3 minutes. 

Pour dough out on floured surface and knead dough until it is nice and elastic. Add more flour if you need to. About five minutes. Make dough into a large ball and place it in a buttered bowl. Cover the bowl with a wet towel and put it in your oven with just the light on to rise. I find putting it in a slightly warm oven (like turn your oven to 200 and then turn it off before putting your dough in) helps it rise faster. Let it rise for an hour or until it has doubled in volume.

Punch it down and knead it again for a couple of minutes. Butter (or crisco/flour) two bread pans. Cut the bread in half and place in pans. Spray the tops of the loaves and put wet towels over them. Let rise for another hour in the oven.

Bake bread at 400 degrees for 10 minutes. Then lower temperature to 350 degrees and bake for an additional 15-20 minutes. 

Top bread with butter/honey mixture and throw some oats on it.

DONE!

Ok. Brownies. Again, with the baking on cold nights. I'M HORMONAL AND CAN'T HELP IT.

Eat What You Want Brownies

2/3 cup raw sugar or splenda (if you don't usually cook with splenda, I don't recommend... only because there is a taste difference in my opinion)

1/3 cup olive oil, earth balance spread or yogurt butter

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1 free range egg

1/3 cup cocoa powder (preferably dutch processed organic or all natural)

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

1/4 cup yogurt (I used blueberry, you can obviously use plain) or lowfat sour cream (I substitute these in almost all of my baking!)

1/3 cup finely chopped cherries or raisins (optional, gives it a chewy factor)

Mix wet ingredients until well blended. Add dry ingredients. Mix well. Put into greased pan (a smaller one) and bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes. Don't over bake!

I hate the dishes.

Final product. Amazing quality picture with my 3G iPhone. LAME!!! (hint hint Zachary....)

I love baking and more importantly I love eating healthy! I love taking a bite of the brownie knowing it's not all sugar and saturated FAT. Amazing.

This is my evening tonight.....

... no the Jim Beam is not mine. Just the ginger infused tea to help my ever present nausea. HA.