I was browsing through pinterest tonight and came upon this quote:
I couldn't help but be moved by this. I was moved by the way we often see ourselves as removed from ourselves. That our stories are "better" if we can put them on display rather than actually live them out. If we can spend two hours on pinterest pretending to be crafty but never leaving the computer. To research and talk about graduate schools but never ask for an application. To create a whole life that "seems" fitting. That seems "right" and "comfortable."
How does your life look?
I have been on this emotional journey and granted some of it is hormonal but alas, I feel as if I am coming into my own. As my therapist says, "Mackenzie, you're getting to know yourself for the first time in your whole life, give it time." I have learned through my own process with her and my own reflection that I am really good at telling the story of my life. I can nonchalantly tell about my parent's divorce, about my unwed pregnancy, my sexual escapades, my poor choices, my great choices, my incredible opportunities all with the right Christian bells and whistles attached. My own verbiage often nauseating me. Is it real?
You get the picture.
What stunned me the most is when my therapist said to me (in my mine so cliche), "Now Mackenzie, how does that make you feel?"
Make me feel?
Um.... (searching for the right answer)
Good... bad... I guess. I'm doing great now though! I graduated school.... blah blah blah.
You see.... when we talk about our life as a status update, a step by step process or a detached action... we fail ourselves.
You see.... I then retold my story using my feelings. How it made me feel. How it hurt. Where it hurt. Why it hurt.
Not just WHAT hurt.
You see... life is full of ideals. Everyone wants to have a decent life with little conflict, marry someone you love, have kids who behave, have money for vacations and die at 96 in your bed.
You see.... I'm still a seven year old kid who hides underneath her covers with a flashlight and a book. I'm a little girl who escapes the peril of the outside world. I'm a little girl who closes the door to true feelings, intimacy and trust. I locked myself in a metaphorical closest to escape the chaos of the world, I tried so desperately to control. A girl reluctant to speak her mind in fear of rejection or pain. A girl so intuitive and aware it brought tears to her eyes often. A girl burdened by her own personality and giftings. A girl who felt tolerated and judged for never being what everyone wanted her to be.
A little seven year old girl who grew up but never lost that mentality.
A little girl who often saw her life as status updates.... "What can make me look good now? Because God forbid I actually feel...."
I get letters from girls all of the time who thank me for just being real. It saddens me. It saddens me that realness is equated with courage.
Sometimes my life feels in ways I wish it wasn't.
Another life altering discovery?
It's ok to feel bad about hard things that have happened. It's ok to feel sorry for yourself.
Yes, I said it. It's OK to feel sorry for yourself.
It's ok to not have it all together and do not ever believe the lie that "keeping it all together" equates to wholeness in your life. It doesn't. And that's ok.
Feel it all. Soak in it all. Get up when you feel ready. As I told my therapist, "I just want to sit in my shit for awhile."
Don't be superwoman. Don't make superwoman your ideal. You are perfect where you're at.
You're in the right place for the right reason. Don't fight it or pretend to be anywhere else. Authenticity creates peace. Even if your authenticity reflects a place that is difficult to be.