I'm getting the mid-last-trimester blues. I got them with Cohen. I find myself getting them again with this little guy.
Cohen greets me almost every morning at seven with a marshmallow, piece of chocolate or other candy confection in his hand... practically begging me to discipline him. This comes after waking up every two hours to a kung fu master kicking my bladder and keeping me up at night.
For some reason, I don't know if it's a pregnant thing, but I'm feeling like I have to chose joy more continuously these days. Saying yes to faith. No to flesh. Yes to flexibility. No to the expectations I have for myself.
So there I am staring at a hyper bright eyed almost five year old, with a piece of candy hanging out of his mouth.
"Can I eat this mom?"
*YAWN* *squint* *arch back* *grunt*
"No Cohen, you can't but since it's halfway gone you might as well finish it but you have lost T.V. privileges. You know you're suppose to ask before you eat candy."
Then he stomps away. Probably to yell, cry, scream or all three on couch. I then realize I took away the one thing that could distract him for thirty minutes while I slowly wake up.
That stupid piece of candy just punished me too.
Some days I feel like a great mom, most days I feel like an average mom. Some days I count down the hours until bedtime and then the second I hoist him into bed I fall asleep holding his hand wishing it would never end.
I'm emotionally frustrated. Terribly pregnant. Wondering, why in the world am I bringing another person into this world? Just one child exhausts me.... now two?
What in the world am I thinking?
It's my mid-last-trimester blues, I suppose. Preparing for new life yet terrified of what that means.
Sometimes at night, Zac will catch me staring off into space and he'll ask....
"Where are you?"
I always says... "Swear things won't change."
He can't. Because they will. That's what sort-of depresses me.
I know a lot will change and I'm fearful of what that will look like for me as a mother, wife and friend. How I will cope being a mother of two instead of one. How I will nurture a marriage with a new baby.
I like routines.
Mines being shaken up and it brings on the blues.
It's a weird line I walk. So anxious to begin this new journey and so anxious realizing how much has to change.