Keeping Myself Human

Had one of those nights tonight.

It consisted mostly of whining, complaining, and being hormonally (is that a word?) emotional.

I have spent most of this week, er, two weeks, without a husband as Zac has been leaving by 7am each morning and home super late each night. He's been sick so it's a lot of hard nights for the two of us.

Cohen isn't in school anymore, so, not sure if this makes me a bad mom (I really hate saying that) but I miss my few hours of alone time. I feel like I have to stay busy with him constantly. I am the sole playmate so everything we do, we do the two of us. What do I do with a four year old from 7:30am until 9:30pm... have I mentioned bedtime has become a nightmare recently?

My body is changing. Well, duh, I'm sure you're thinking. When you're pregnant your body changed. Right now though, I feel fat and uncomfortable. My jeans don't fit and my "bump" looks like I had one too many slices of meatloaf and potatoes. My face looks like a pubescent thirteen year old girl and everything on me seems unusually "soft."

After a long (don't get me wrong, productive) day with Cohen, I was wiped. We are moved into my moms house finally, we are adjusting to a new routine and things seem to be normal. Tonight though, not so much.

Zac spent the day snowboarding which I absolutely encouraged (anyone who works that much and that hard deserves a day of fun). When he came home though, he came home to a very disgruntled wife.

I pulled teeth to get Cohen to bed early and then started organizing and cleaning....

I was sad, mad, angry, moody and annoyed.... at what? I wasn't sure. Probably everything.

After huffing and puffing for a good half hour (Zac usually just ignores me, smart man), I sat down next to Zac and just started to cry.

I've lost my home. I've lost my body. I've lost my sense of direction. I've lost my passion for parenting. I'm losing it!!!

I knew I sounded ridiculous as I sobbed, cried and laughed my way through explaining how ugly, lame and useless I felt.

I wish I could tell you I had some sort of "aha" moment there bawling my eyes out... but I really didn't.

Zac just kissed me, told me I was beautiful and that he was proud of me.

That usually is enough but tonight it just wasn't. I smiled, wanting to affirm his sweetness to me, however, I still felt like I was floating.

When you die to yourself you're doing exactly that... dying.

I felt like I was dying today... picking up God knows how many dirty socks and underwear, giving a cranky boy a bath, driving around aimlessly trying to find some way to entertain a four year old, putting away laundry and disciplining a tired Cohen who threw a couple fits.

I guess it was just one of those days. I kept looking for the joy in the mess but couldn't find it.

So here I sit at the end of the day. Bitching and complaining. It's probably the last thing you want to read but sometimes I like to know that other people have shitty days.... and they end shitty.

No light at the end of the tunnel, no rainbows, no beacon on sunshine... just crap.

A day like this every once in awhile keeps you human.

I embrace that.