Started

I've found myself reading a lot more blogs recently. I have been picking up more books and casually skimming the pages. I've been reading every billboard, bumper sticker and road sign. I carefully listen to the radio and instead of talking around friends... I find myself just wanting to listen.

I am in a season of listening and reflecting. I always have something to say. I am highly opinionated about my passions and with every seething second I can pounce on someone, I do. It's just who I am.

Recently though, not so much.

My mouth stays shut and I find myself yearning for more information. More food for thought. More intrinsic details on everything. Listening, reflecting, hoping, expecting, desiring, waiting...

Waiting.

Yes.

Waiting.

So I suppose I haven't much to write about. I am doubtful of my own progress. Doubtful that I am making a difference in myself. Doubtful that I am confident enough to write a blog post about what I learned, who I am, what I value, what I discern....

I don't really know right now.

It's utterly raw. It's not a typical blog post. It doesn't start with a story, laugh it's way through some ironic discourse and end with a moral.

I'm kind of over that.

Aren't you?

I search for the rawness in life. The nitty gritty. The hopeless and the immoral. For some reason, those for real to me. Suburbia, smiling and a perfected schedule seem so.... lame? fake? unreal? cathartic?

Trying to find the word.

Not coming to me.

Instead, I will listen. And continue to listen. There is something inside of me, deep "soul like" substance that has taken ahold of who I am. It doesn't care for perfection, for laughter, for happiness, for sensitivity, for labels, for perfection, for cares, for perspective, for character...

Just rawness.

A seed that was planted long ago... probably when I was born... stunted by society, by expectation and by my own desire to be who I'm not.

So...

I wait.

I read and reflect. I rummage through my old thought patterns and embrace them. Apart from what I think I should feel or say.

So...

I wait.

I'm not done yet. I haven't even started.