When Peace Seems Out of Reach

Brace Yourself...

I'm feeling a bit honest. :)

It was 1:15 AM when I woke up last night. I heard Cohen scratching on his door so I flung the covers off and walked into his room to grab him. I picked him up and lay down with him in my bed. He cuddled close to me and smiled.

And then, for some odd reason I began to sweat. A lot.

I began to worry if I had a fever again (seriously, this infection won’t leave my body) and the thought of going through another night of night sweats began to terrify me. I sat up in bed and rubbed my hands through my hair.

My hands were soaked with sweat.

I crawled out of bed to get a drink of water and as I walked I couldn’t feel the ground underneath me. I was holding onto the wall as my heart beat out of my chest. I could hear it beating in my toes, my hands, and my stomach…

I struggled to get back to Zac. I woke him up and showed him how fast my heart was beating and how much I was sweating. I was so caught up in the moment that when Zac grabbed my arms and said “Mackenzie, are you anxious about anything?”

I moved away from him.

Was I really having a panic attack?

I ran from the room to the kitchen. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this.

I wasn’t sick: I was having a panic attack.

My heart beat fiercely in my chest. For any of you that have had a panic attack, doctors describe it as the closest thing to having a heart attack. And it was.

I knew all the things I had to do: Control Breathing, Find a Picture to Focus on, Contain Your Thoughts, Release Your Fear…

But at 1:30 in the morning everything is hazy and nothing seems to make sense. I was shaking violently when Cohen came out of our room to see what was going on. Zac escorted him back to our bed and told him “Mommy is sick, let’s pray for her ok?” Then I could hear faintly the whispers of a little boy praying for his mommy.

And there I sat on the steps rocking and trembling. All I could think is: Get a Grip Mackenzie, Get a Grip Mackenzie, GET A GRIP!!! PULL IT TOGETHER!!

My mind was racing and I couldn’t bring my mind back to a place where it was sound. Zac was still lying with Cohen when I stumbled into Cohen’s bedroom and lay on the floor. My breathing had grown deeper, my heart had slowed the pace but I was wired. My head was racing. I rocked myself in front of a heater as my limbs were still shaking.

A panic attack is a violent experience.

A wave of nausea swept over me as I lay on the floor. My shirt moist with sweat and my hands clammy and cold. When Cohen fell asleep Zac watched me as I stared into the heater. I had no words. I had nothing to say. I wasn’t even in reality. I couldn’t’ explain why it had happened. I couldn’t explain why anxiety happens to me.

It just does.

Zac watched me as I zoned off into another world. My mind would not stop. It was those old arcade games when the ball gets shot off into every direction. My physical symptoms may have stopped after 28 minutes but my mind raced for another 3 hours.

I told Zac I needed to be alone for a while and apologized for waking him up. I had nothing to say to him. Or to Cohen for that matter.

This was my own battle.

I stared at the heater and looked down at my phone: 3:15am. I had been staring off into nothingness for almost two hours. I couldn’t sleep. I rested my head on the floor and grabbed one of Cohen’s baby blankets to put over myself.

I wish I could have cried, but I couldn’t.

Tears wouldn’t come even if I tried. I was completely numb.

I began to demand God for peace and demand that I can’t keep living like this. I felt dizzy and out of sorts but the adrenaline from hours earlier lingered in my body.

I put on worship music to try to ease my nerves but nothing was working. Nothing was working and I felt that no one was there. My mind was running around trying to make sense of what was going on. I couldn’t focus my thoughts long enough before I began to feel nauseated again.

Do you ever feel like you are being tested?

I lay in Cohen’s bed and looked at the time: 4:12am. I knew I was exhausted but my body was not done with me yet.

Cohen was God’s grace to me when my life was out of control. God woke me up by allowing me to birth Cohen.

What are you waking me up to now God?

I find that my life works in extremes. Since I have been on bed rest for almost a week now my mind has been racing far more than it should. The pressure of not being able to go to school and not being able to work has worn me down.

I don’t know how to convey this message without sounding like a victim. I have always battled a looming sense of fear that I won’t live to see Cohen grow up, I won’t be able to grow old with Zac and I will never be free of the self loathing that beats me down.

I know I’m not the only person who walks through this.

I love my life, my family, my school and my job but for some reason my body can’t handle it. My body is telling me that I have to make a change.

I don’t know how to do that. At all.

I finally fell asleep only to wake up 2 hours later to take Cohen to school. We didn’t talk the entire ride to school. As I got him out of the car he asked “You ok mom?”

I answered honestly…

“I’m not sure Cohen. I hope so.”

Today I still feel the remnants of last night. I am lethargic and still sick from my infection. My body screams STOP but my life screams GO.

I have no idea where the balance of my life is anymore. I don’t know what it means to be a healthy and whole human being when it comes to health. I don’t think I’m crazy but I don’t think I’m well.

It’s a journey… and God knows.

Just....Where I'm At

Don't watch the video. It's dumb. Just read the lyrics. It's where I'm at right now at this point. I found it on an old CD and just started to sob. No, it's not about Zac. It pulls other heart strings that I try to avoid. Until tonight.

I love The Veronicas.

Lyrics:


"Nobody Wins"

Hold your head up high
You're never wrong
Somewhere in the right you belong
You would rather fight than walk away
What a lonely way to breathe the air
What an unlovely way to say you care
Now we're too far gone for me to save
And I never thought that we'd come to this

Maybe there's beauty in goodbye
(no one's wrong or right, you would rather fight, then you walk away)
There's just no reason left to try
(now it's gone too far, look at where we are)
You push me away
Another black day
Let's count up the reasons to cry
Look what you've missed, living like this
Nobody wins (nobody wins)

Searching for the truth in your eyes
Found myself so lost don't recognize
The person now that you, you claim to be
Don't know when to stop, or where to start
You're just so caught up in who you are
Now you're far too high for me to see
I'd never thought that we'd come to this

Maybe there's beauty in goodbye
(no one's wrong or right, you're about fly, then you walk away)
There's just no reason left to try
(now it's gone too far, look at where we are)
You push me away
Another black day
Let's count up the reasons to cry
Look what you've missed, living like this
Nobody wins (nobody wins)

You never say you're sorry
Try to tell me that you love me
But don't - it's too late to take it there

Maybe there's beauty in goodbye
(no one's wrong or right, you're about fly, then you walk away)
There's just no reason left to try
(now it's gone too far, look at where we are)
You push me away
Another black day
Let's count up the reasons to cry
Look what you've missed, living like this
Nobody wins

(Now it's gone too far, look at where we are)

Nobody wins 

My Husband, Zac.

It goes without saying that when you're married you obviously love the person you are married to---at least I hope so. It is true in my case as well.

I love my Zac.

I pondered for awhile today on the overwhelming importance of being married to someone you trust and rely on. Someone who sees you. Someone who sees past a "fat day" and into the hurting depths of who you are.

That is my Zac. But alas, it was not always that way.

Our first year of marriage was rocky, as it is for most couples, but unlike other couples Zac and I were thrown into a whirlwind of marriage and a family. All in one. All at once. All the time. It was difficult to make time for each other and when we did we were just exhausted. It broke down many levels of communication between us and at times described our relationship as simply roommates. We knew how to do "roommate"... we did it for a year while I was living in Fort Collins.

But we both realized we didn't want to be roommates anymore. Something had to change.

It meant saying no to friends and yes to each other.

It meant swallowing one's pride, daily, hourly...ok like every second.

It meant putting our relationship before Cohen. Marriage comes before children, I will always believe that.

It meant making time for each other, even if we were exhausted.

It meant getting up earlier so we could have an hour by ourselves.

It meant buying less so we wouldn't have to work more.

Wow. World. Of. Difference.

Honest to goodness we fell in love all over again.

What I love about Zac the most is his incredible (and I mean incredible) ability to make friends with anyone. You know that guy you knew in high school who was friends with everyone?! That was Zac. He is a magnet for hurting people, funny people, popular people, nerds and interestingly enough... outcasts.

I have drastically learned to extend myself to others being married to Zac.

I love that he never shies away from be spontaneous. He gets and idea and he goes! Now I am the planner...so... we balance out nicely. But when he gets excited and gets fire behind an adventure...there is no stopping him.

I love that he pretends to hit on me in the grocery store, mall or something of the like. I mean, at the core, he really is just a big flirt. I love it when we act like total strangers, soo hilarious... "So, my place or yours?" as Cohen screams "DADDDDDDDDDA!!!!"

I love that he deeply cares about his role as a father. I never knew how sexy fatherhood could be until Cohen got older and we could really "parent." I am astounded at the amazing level of maturity that comes from his mouth when we rebuke, correct and train for righteousness. He is proud of his role. And that my friends, is such a gift to me, the mama.

I love that he has made me a mountain girl. No one from high school or even college would believe me if I told them I'm a mountain girl now. I still am hesitant about the snow but I will hike and bike until Zac tells me to stop. One of the most bonding moments for the 2 of us is when he took me biking in Garden of the Gods (p.s. SOOOOO HARD!!) and we were going up a really hard hill. Zac made it up there in 2 minutes... I got up halfway up the hill, threw up on the side of the rode, wiped my mouth off and kept biking. I don't think I have ever been more sexy to Zac in my whole life (I'm completely serious).

I love that he challenges my thinking. He never allows me to be completely satisfied with an idea or a perspective. He is the devil's advocate in almost any setting but is caring. So very caring.

I love that he lets me be me. He understands that I need time by myself and understands that school plus work equals a tired mama. But his caring heart is what draws me to him. He is constantly endearing himself to me. :)

I could go on and on and on. I guess I'm just feeling sappy. Who knows. I wanted to dote on a man who I have been with for four or so years and have known since I was an awkward 6th grader. He was the first boy that ever held my hand in 8th grade and the first boy who told me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. He wrote me the sweetest, corniest valentines note when we were both 13. I still have it.

I love being married to my best friend. It makes me smile. Everyday.

The Perfect Question

Cohen grounds me. He reminds me how human I really am. He kisses my face and tells me I am his princess. He lies his head on my stomach and smiles big. He shows me Jesus. Everyday.

That is why tonight's experience opened my eyes. It gently reminded me of the incredible role I have.

Again, typically night at school. I have health psychology tonight from 7-10pm and frankly I just was not in the mood to go. I love to learn, yes. But tonight, I was missing my Cohen. I hadn't seen him all day and going to class would mean I wouldn't see him until morning. Blah, blah, blah... victim, victim, victim.

One more semester Mackenzie, you got this. Haha, you should really see me... I actually give myself a pep talk before some of the classes. :)

I strolled into my class where we are packed like sardines. There are 55+ of all of us and we are crammed in those little desks (that I swear were made for 2nd graders). I nonchalantly sat down in middle row/middle desk seat. For some reason I was super fidgety. I played with my hair, chewed my gum like a drug and tapped by impatient foot against the desk in front of me.

Our pleasantly plump precious teacher stood up at the front and with a big toothy grin informed the class that we were going to do a fun little ice breaker.

Am I the only one that hates ice breakers?

Half the class rolled their eyes and the other half I'm sure could careless. Here we are.... college students... playing an ice breaker game. Awesome.

I was relatively thrilled because any chance to not sit in those desks was a fantastic idea.

We played an ice breaker that involved the teacher declaring "this or that" statements. For example: Are you more of a tortoise or a hare? Do you consider yourself a liquor cabinet or a book shelf? Do you like the beach or the mountains? Are you a cat or a dog?

They are silly in nature but the class trekked back and forth in the tiny classroom. Most of the time we are all laughing. I mean the questions were just so outlandish! Of course, most of the kids decided they were "liquor cabinets" (I mean really... we're in college) and other times I could hear jokes about the dog vs. cat debate (do you realize that people actually get heated over cats??!!). Then she asked a hilarious questions,"Are you a Colorado person or a Texas person? HA! The entire class ran to the left side of the classroom. No one would be caught dead saying they chose Texas over Colorado. I was in the very front of the massive group to the left as we all smashed into each other. We were all laughing and commenting on the great nation of Texas.

Then my teacher smiled her big tooth smile and stated her next question "If you have kids go to the right, if you don't stay to the left."

I tousled my hair, pulled on my jacket and walked to the right side of the classroom. I walked confidently. I kept thinking about Cohen and his big fat wet kisses, his laugh that is contagious, his ability to manipulate me into giving him cookies and his strange fascination with scissors. Time seemed to slow down as I walked 9 steps to the other side of the room.

Then I turned around still smiling. I looked quickly to my left and right sides. A shrill of adrenaline came over me, the introvert.

No one was next to me. Did I just walk the plank?

Immediately I thought I would be embarrassed and upset. I thought I would play dumb and run to the other end of the room. I thought I would make up some excuse about being a mom and how it was an accident.

But there I stood, hands twitching, looking at the 100+ eyes darting their attention strait at me.

I never wanted to be a mom. I never wanted kids. I didn't enjoy kids. I was completely set on being selfish for the rest of my life and perhaps---eh---maybe kids when I was 40. And actually, probably just one. I remember years earlier standing in my college freshman English class 6 months pregnant with Cohen and telling the class that I was expecting a baby. No one knew. I wasn't proud. I wasn't enthusiastic. I wasn't ecstatic. And I didn't care. About anyone. I resented my big bump that was my child.

This moment mirrored that moment to a tee. I was almost on the verge of tears. It was a painfully emotional moment for me. When we are faced with life the way we knew and the life as we know it now... it hurts.

I shrugged those horrid feelings off and sighed.

I stood for the first time in front of a classroom proud of my label. Proud of being a mother. Proud to look into each of their 100+ eyes and smile knowing that yes I was different than them but my severe loyalty as a mother won over.

To the back I heard a guy yell "You look like you're 17!"

Instead of being resentful, I smiled and said "I hope he's saying that in 20 years!"

Everyone laughed. Awww yes, the real ice breaker was now made.

I closed my eyes for a moment and pictured my baby boy. What a gift I have been given and what an incredible little boy to be so proud of.

The teacher was finished with her questions and we all scurried back to our seats. I felt an overwhelming peace.

I was different than everyone else. But that's ok. I'm young. But that's ok.

I was proud.

And that reminder my friends, was a big wet kiss from my Abba.

I...

met and interesting woman tonight.

There I was in my Theories of Personality class student #59 racing to my seat as the clock struck 4:30pm on the dot. It is a large class of about 100 students. Most everyone is chatting and the term "clanging symbol" came to mind. Colorful characters strewn about as I opened the classroom door.

Wow this is a rowdy group, I thought.

I sat at the only chair that seemed to be last in the very last row of the class. It is always such a sight to walk slowly up the steps to your seat.

Is my hair a mess? Probably. Is my fly down? Who knows, Can't check now I have too many books in my hand. Is everyone staring at me? Eh, like I really care.

I threw my books on the table, took off my twelve layers of clothing (don'tcha love Colorado) and plopped in my seat. I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. I have two 3 hour classes on Monday nights and the quicker I can get them over with the better.

I looked to my left and an overweight middle eastern girl who had a face that was flawless (Her skin was like a dolls!) was sitting next to me. She was quiet but fidgeting. She was probably in her late twenties but dressed like she was in high school. Wait, who am I kidding. I still dress like I did in high school. I accidentally made eye contact with her as I grabbed a pen out of my purse and smiled.

She didn't smile back. In fact, she flat out rolled her eyes at me.

So here I am, exhausted and a bit grumpy not wanting to extend myself in the least bit. I mean, she obviously didn't want to talk and the lecture was starting soon so it was fine.

Just a typical college class right?

MMMMMMMMMMM nope.

I pulled out my folder and opened my book as the teacher posed this question to the class...

We are going to get to know one another. Get into a small group and talk about what you think defines you. What is your personality?

Great. Here I am in the very back corner of the class. Which means rolly-eye-girl and I were going to be partners. I truly wanted to extend myself but frankly, I am an introvert. Since it's a personality class can't I just say I'm introverted to her and then get back to work?

I looked at her and gave all my effort to put on a really good face. Like seriously, gave all my effort.

Hi, I'm Mackenzie, what is your name?

Melissa.

Awesome! What's your major here?

I'm doubling degrees and minors.

Nice! That must be a ton of work. How impressive. What would that be in?

Forensics and Psychology. I want to be a forensic psychologist at some point.

Interesting... that must be a really cool avenue of study.

Yeah it is. So what's your major?

Well I have changed a bunch. I decided to move away from English Education as student teaching doesn't work with my work schedule and my mommy/wife schedule.

You have a kid? You're way too young.

(Wanting to roll my eyes) Yes, I know I was really young. Do you have kids?

Nope, screw that sh*t, I hate kids.

Me...trying to change the subject. Are you married?

I f*cking hate men too. I divorced my husband last year. We had a contractual marriage and he fell in love with me. I don't want kids, I don't a marriage and frankly you'll probably be the only person I will ever talk to in this class.

(Me, completely stunned but trying to stay calm... I see a lot of hurt, a LOT of hurt in her eyes) Well Melissa, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to but I'll always lend a listening ear.

Yeah yeah thanks.

*Awkward silence*

(Me, really going out on a limb... I swear the words just dripped out of my mouth) Is there anything I can help you with Melissa?

Nawww. I'm just ready to get my degree and do something with my life.

I understand...we're not that different. We both seem like introverts. We have the same personality (laughter). Should be a fun class!

The teacher interrupted everyone to get back to the lecture. I felt a strange sense of sadness for Melissa. She was in the military, alone and with no one who supported her. I was the only person who had probably tapped into her reality in a long time.

I smiled at her the rest of the 3 hours but didn't say anything to her. I didn't know what to say. How do you tell someone who has lost almost everything and are hurting soo bad that God loves and sees them?

I got all my books and smiled good-bye to Melissa as I scurried to my next class.

The Lord spoke to me as I climbed the 3 flights of stairs.

Mackenzie, you don't have to tell her that I love her. You are me to her. Just listen to her, show up for her, you are intuitive. Why do you think you sat next to her out of the 100 seats in the class?

I prayed for Melissa. Her heartache is real and obviously the wounds of something are so far deeper than I thought.

Who have you sat next to recently? Who have you engaged in conversation with?

I make it a goal each day to look strangers in the eye and smile. You'd be amazed by what happens. Some people are scared, some look away, some smile back and sometimes if you extend just a little bit more... they open up.

We all have a story. But are you willing to listen to someone elses?

Tonight

I am officially back into the swing of things. The big fat swing that spins round and round like a never ending roller coaster ride that I begged to get on.

Geez.

I started school last week and when Friday night came around... I realized how incredibly difficult this semester is going to be. I haven't had a major freak out yet (I have about 4 a semester, ha) so I think I am starting on a relatively good foot. But we will see.

My classes are as follows:

Intercultural Communications

Cross Cultural Psychology

Theories of Personality

British Literature 4

American Literature after the 1920's

Health Psychology

I'm excited for my Health Psychology class. One of our big projects is make a positive health change. My change will be to be physically active for 45 minutes, 3 times a week. Seems easy right? Well considering my week is full...we shall see. I am anticipating the project and fearing it all at the same time.

I mean, who doesn't want to be healthy? :/

I have cut my hours this semester from 35-40hr weeks to 25 hr weeks. The stress of trying to keep my grades and keeping a store together was putting me at a brink. Very grateful my job has allowed me to do this. Sometimes I look at my week and think... What are you thinking Mackenzie?

Truthfully, I'm not sure of the answer.

I am ahead on all my homework though (currently) and I am feeling confident to just relax tonight. I am drinking a delicious lager in a wine glass, laundry is pounding recklessly behind me and I hear the shrill of "Call of Duty Black Ops" lingering in the other room.

Life is full, rich and tonight I am savoring no stress.

It's nice to be here... I don't get to come here often.

Still praying that God shows Zac and I his will for this next season of our lives. It is the one thing I hold terribly tight to heart and at times have a difficult time releasing it to the Lord.

Ugh.

Perhaps I'll go make some delicious swirl bread and some unhealthy chocolate chip cookies. This maybe the only night for awhile to do.

Just.

Savoring the moment.

H2-OHHHHHH!!!

Before you start reading go get a glass of water (like a big glass of water) and start drinking it.

It didn't feel fitting not to tell the story of the night I felt I was going to die. Zac and I both documented in a journal... it's just too incredible not to tell.

Now, I know what you're thinking... There is no way someone can die from what happened. Well, that may be the case, but that doesn't change the immense feeling of terror that I felt for the first time...ever.

Zac and I don't get a lot of alone time together and if we do we are both exhausted (anyone else relate?). So when a plan is made to go out of town for a 2 day 1 night adventure, one looks forward to it...verrrrry much!

Alone Time....amazing.

We drove to Mount Princeton Resort and we were both excited for two days of relaxing in the hot springs. When we got there and saw our cliffside view....we were in awe. It was so gorgeous. So relaxing. So peaceful.

We got our swimsuits on and headed to the hot springs. It was so incredible. The freezing cold river was flowing and we sat on the rocks on the outer banks in temps from 100-160 degrees. I was in heaven. It was 20 degrees outside and we were in natural river water basically taking a bath!

When we got out of the hot springs I felt really light headed. I wrote it off as the extreme temperatures throwing my body off. I got into the car to drive back to our place and I knew something was wrong.

My mind was fuzzy and I was so nauseated.

I got back to our place and drank 4 big glasses of water. I had all the symptoms of the stomach flu. Nausea, diarrhea, aches/pain and a headache. I just need more water I thought. Zac was worried but knew I could hold my own. I, however, wasn't so sure. Are you still drinking your water I told you to start drinking?

We got back in the car to drive to a brewery (our favorite thing to do) that was recommended to us in Salida. The entire car ride I felt like I was having the worst anxiety attack. I was dizzy, confused, sick and had no idea what was wrong with me. I drank another 32 oz of water and a gatorade. My stomach was feeling better but I was growing fatigued and weak. Zac told me he would just grab a sandwich and Wal-Mart so we could head back to our place.

Here I go, I thought, ruining another vacation.

I am such a people pleaser but at this moment; I just needed to get back to our place. When we got back I told Zac I needed to go to the hospital. I was disoriented and my body was twitching. Not having any health insurance (grrr...that's a different post) we try to avoid doctors and hospitals at all costs. So we drove to the hospital and sat in the parking lot waiting until I felt better so we wouldn't have to pay.

My dizziness had gone away and I was feeling a little more relaxed. We headed back to our place and chatted for a couple hours while I laid down. It was a lot of fun. We laughed about being young. All the shenanigans we got into. And ultimately how Cohen changed our whole life.

Oh, no bedtime.

It was about 10pm and I was growing tired. My whole body was hot so I got into bed and tried to sleep. About five minutes later Zac came over and started to ask me questions. I had a hard time answering them. I was confused and didn't know how I was feeling. I was hot but didn't want to move. I started to shake complaining of being cold. Zac began putting beer bottles on me (as that was the only cold packs we had...ha) and told me to hold still so he could do so. I began to scream and told him not to put them on me.

Mackenzie, get out of bed we are going to the hospital.

I slowly got out of bed and fell to the floor when I tried to stand. I couldn't feel my feet. My arms were cramping and growing numb. My heart rate was so fast and this feeling of impending doom came upon me. Zac pulled back up on the bed. I felt like I was fading...

Zac, I'm going to die tonight.

Since we are out in the middle of no where it took an ambulance 30 minutes to get where we were. The entire time Zac is on the phone I can be heard saying "Jesus, be with me" "Jesus, I want to see Cohen" "Jesus, I'm not ready"... since I am so dehydrated there were no tears coming down my face but I was whimpering. I couldn't feel my hands. My mouth was so dry. My lips chapped. I felt so weak. Seriously guys...not being dramatic... it was horrible.

The ambulance crew walked in and I'm sure they were confused. Here we are in this romantic suite and I am half naked (because I was so hot) with beer bottles all over me. I could only imagine what they thought for a split second.

They asked my name and where I was. I knew but I had a hard time saying the words as each time I spoke I became really winded. They hooked me up to oxygen and monitored my heart rate. It was elevated and I had a lot of CO2 in my system.

My body was going into shock.

They hauled me onto the ambulance and took blood samples. When he told me I was going to receive Valium, I told him I was sensitive to medications. He only gave me half. Thanks Mr. Ambulance Man. My doctor gave me plenty of fluids and potassium as I was severely deficient in both. Zac and I just sat there looking at each other as the IV pumped me full of fluids.

It was then I started to cry.

Zac, I'm sorry I ruined our vacation. I'm sorry that we are going to have to pay a hospital bill we can't afford. I'm sorry that you are so tired and have to drive me home. I'm sorry we didn't spend our night together in a romantic way. I was crying so hard. I felt like I had ruined everything.

He just smiled at me and told me that my life is more important than a hospital bill but for "practical Mackenzie" it seemed that we were now only adding to the stress of finances. I was mad at myself.

The discharged me almost 4 hours later. I wasn't allowed in the hot springs and had to drink lots and lots of fluids---hence my 2 gallon a day H2O spree---but as I got in the car I remembered something.

Romance doesn't mean happy and easy.

Romance is when I am screaming in pain and Zac rub my hand as he talks to the dispatcher on the phone. Romance is saying "Don't worry about the money, you're worth it." Romance is laughing in spite of the seriousness to ease my nervousness. Romance is driving your dehydrated and sick wife home while holding her hand. Romance is filling out medical paperwork so I can rest. Romance is staying up to make sure I fall asleep. Romance is getting up early to get me breakfast. So in that sense, I had a very romantic time away with my husband. My Zacy. My friend. My best friend.

I was told I had a viral infection (stomach) along with being severely dehydrated and my body could not absorb the water as I was lacking severely in potassium. It was horrific. I drink 2 gallons a day so I never have to experience that again.

One of my regulars at work said "Oh yeah, my brother died from that..."

Well...thanks. :)

I had romance in a new way this weekend. I learned that I have to take care of my body more than taking care of other "stuff." That our body actually does need water!! Maybe one day we'll go back....

Seriously though... are you done drinking your glass of water?