These Moments

Today as I was driving home…writing in my head… ☺ I began to think about my life five years ago. The friends I had. The moments we shared. More importantly, all the laughter that became of those moments.

These days when I see friends there are no new memories. We laugh about old times. We act that we are too close to just have small talk but that is where life is at. Recently I have felt an enormous loss. I disconnect from a life and friendships I once had that have now become fragmented memories in a diary.

I am at a different place.

I don’t enjoy it. There are nights Zac tells me to get out of the house…go see friends… do something! But I can’t. I am completely paralyzed.

Who would I see? Who do I ever see?


I miss my friends.

My life has become work, school, housework, family. Nothing else. I am not at a place in my life where I have any kind of energy to invest in new or even budding friendships. That makes me sad. I have never had a ton of girlfriends. I have always been the girl with just a handful of friends but no more. I am terrible at surface friendships… I always long for intimacy even in a friendship.

I feel at times that I have traded in laughable, silly, flirtatious nights for sweat pants and laundry. Trying to find any kind of delight or excitement in those two is impossible.

I have realized at times that I have juxtaposed these two lives as being completely opposite of one another. I still struggle with the idea of actually enjoying family life. I love my life as a wife and mother but at times I feel like you can’t be silly or have fun if you are those things.

Life is so freaking serious now.

Car problems, school money, textbooks, bills, rent, grocery shopping and solemn behavior seems to rule most of my life.

I’m trying to figure out if this is an attitude that must be changed or inherently just my personality.

I play, I laugh and I wrestle with someone who can’t have an adult conversation back with me. Zac and I see each other exhausted and if either of us has extra time…we just spend it with one another.

Is it just me or does this seem incredibly out of whack??!!

It has nothing to do with not loving the poeople in my life and everything to do with not understanding why everyone things that life like this is ok?

I always look at Zac and tell him that our time will come in fifteen years… maybe.

But how skewed is that?

I suppose it has been a rough week and I suppose that I may be a bit on the emotional side, however; I feel dissatisfied.

I miss friendships. I miss my life being about me at times. I stare at myself in the mirror sometimes and wonder when I will feel like life is truly enjoyable and not just “nice”.

I am grateful for my life and people who love me. Truly.

Tonight has just been a lonely night.

I miss my friends. I miss a blank agenda. I miss adventures. I miss alone time. I miss staying out late. I miss laughing.

It’s just not that season of my life anymore.

Thank you Lord for blessing me. Please remind me of all that you have blessed me with… how quickly I can forget.

You always listen.

Amen

Writing

Writing has always been MY thing. When I did not have anything else to run to, anyone else to talk to I would always have my writing. My writing these days consists more along the topics of “Please do a close reading of how Malcom X was feeling in prison…” or “How does postmodern text A compare/contrast to postmodern text B.”

Bleh.

These days I write in my head as I am driving. When the cool breeze rushes through the drive side window. I put my arm out the window and turn down the music. There is something so mystical about a car drive when it is the dark of the morning. No headlights for miles. Just me, and the open road.



I reflect.

On everything.

For a few minutes as I write intently in my head the chaos of the world slips away. Writing helps me believe. It helps me see light in a situation that is sterile black. It creates a series of events that are scattered yet fluid as they come to me.

My greatest writing I have never written. I can not articulate on paper. It is those moments as I hear the hum of the engine that I feel alive. Rejuvenated. Encouraged.

I sense that peace is coming and someday I will indeed write again.

But for now, I just take a drive.