Keeping Myself Human

Had one of those nights tonight.

It consisted mostly of whining, complaining, and being hormonally (is that a word?) emotional.

I have spent most of this week, er, two weeks, without a husband as Zac has been leaving by 7am each morning and home super late each night. He's been sick so it's a lot of hard nights for the two of us.

Cohen isn't in school anymore, so, not sure if this makes me a bad mom (I really hate saying that) but I miss my few hours of alone time. I feel like I have to stay busy with him constantly. I am the sole playmate so everything we do, we do the two of us. What do I do with a four year old from 7:30am until 9:30pm... have I mentioned bedtime has become a nightmare recently?

My body is changing. Well, duh, I'm sure you're thinking. When you're pregnant your body changed. Right now though, I feel fat and uncomfortable. My jeans don't fit and my "bump" looks like I had one too many slices of meatloaf and potatoes. My face looks like a pubescent thirteen year old girl and everything on me seems unusually "soft."

After a long (don't get me wrong, productive) day with Cohen, I was wiped. We are moved into my moms house finally, we are adjusting to a new routine and things seem to be normal. Tonight though, not so much.

Zac spent the day snowboarding which I absolutely encouraged (anyone who works that much and that hard deserves a day of fun). When he came home though, he came home to a very disgruntled wife.

I pulled teeth to get Cohen to bed early and then started organizing and cleaning....

I was sad, mad, angry, moody and annoyed.... at what? I wasn't sure. Probably everything.

After huffing and puffing for a good half hour (Zac usually just ignores me, smart man), I sat down next to Zac and just started to cry.

I've lost my home. I've lost my body. I've lost my sense of direction. I've lost my passion for parenting. I'm losing it!!!

I knew I sounded ridiculous as I sobbed, cried and laughed my way through explaining how ugly, lame and useless I felt.

I wish I could tell you I had some sort of "aha" moment there bawling my eyes out... but I really didn't.

Zac just kissed me, told me I was beautiful and that he was proud of me.

That usually is enough but tonight it just wasn't. I smiled, wanting to affirm his sweetness to me, however, I still felt like I was floating.

When you die to yourself you're doing exactly that... dying.

I felt like I was dying today... picking up God knows how many dirty socks and underwear, giving a cranky boy a bath, driving around aimlessly trying to find some way to entertain a four year old, putting away laundry and disciplining a tired Cohen who threw a couple fits.

I guess it was just one of those days. I kept looking for the joy in the mess but couldn't find it.

So here I sit at the end of the day. Bitching and complaining. It's probably the last thing you want to read but sometimes I like to know that other people have shitty days.... and they end shitty.

No light at the end of the tunnel, no rainbows, no beacon on sunshine... just crap.

A day like this every once in awhile keeps you human.

I embrace that.

Anniversary: Three Years

This is how our relationship started.

Well I guess, back up. It started years ago when we were a couple of kids in 6th grade. Zac said I never noticed him (partially true) and he just stood in awe of me (love it). We went "out" in 8th grade. He was cute but more than that... he was edgy. The seemingly bad kid that could keep you laughing and doing things you never thought you'd do. I found myself etching our names together on the cardboard side of my notepads. He liked me but wasn't clingy. Never tried to more than he was for me... I loved that. He would hold my hand and we would run up and down the school street. I never got in trouble but I loved that he always did. We were always the two kids left waiting for our parents to pick us up. We would talk about silly stuff, interesting stuff... then deep stuff. He dumped me for a church skank... but hey, I understand, we were only 14. :)

The above picture is from senior year summer. A bunch of us went to Elitches one Saturday and on the way home, Zac made a move. He held my hand while we were dozing off to sleep. It felt natural yet when I got home that night... I couldn't believe it.

Throughout the years, Zac has been the guy my other boyfriends told me I couldn't hang out with. "I don't know Mackenzie, you guys just have a history and chemistry and stuff" is what I would hear nagging all the time. Zac made me comfortable. He made me laugh. I never changed myself to be with him. I told him everything. I would call him (or IM him...ha, member that?) and we'd talk about boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, school, stupid stories, funny stories... he created such a longing in me, even when I didn't know it.

We would spend hours talking on the phone even as young as 14. I would plug my phone into the fax line at home and we would talk until we fell asleep... often for 5 or 6 hours. It was innocent and whimsical. 

Then college.

For those of you who know my story. I won't bore you with all the details. Zac and I weren't dating when I got pregnant, we weren't "in love" when I got pregnant... we were just "having fun."

So I thought.

I always feared the love Zac had for me, even at the young age of 14. There was something that he possessed that longed for me in a deeper way that I wasn't used to. It made me uncomfortable. Can you believe this is still something I struggle with? 3 years into being married to him?

Being pregnant with Zac created a distance at times between us. Our friendship was based on laughter, excitement, random adventures and deep chats.... and suddenly.... life became really serious. It was about appointments, responsibilities, duty... we were a couple of teenagers who weren't ready for all that seriousness, and yet, we remained friends with one another.

We loved each other. We just didn't know how that would look now.

Life gets complicated. So you grow.

We started to bond.

For maybe the first time in our lives together, which at that point was about 8 years of friendship.

We had Cohen Michael on August 26, 2007. The day our lives changed forever.

There we were. A couple of 19 year old kids trying to do life together.

It was raw. Super raw.

We wanted to build a life together but not really sure how. We argued... a lot. I cried... a lot. We dug through a lot of crap together. It was the most painful and wonderful thing I ever did.

We started to create new memories as a family.

Memories that were meaningful and healthy.

First Christmas together as a family.

Then. Marriage talk. I felt that we started over after we had Cohen. We both agreed that getting married just because we had a child together would be a mistake and unfair to Cohen. We loved each other but could we live a life together? We weren't sure. We desired to see growth in one another. Maturing needed to happen.... And then....

Engaged. Happy. Zac surprised me with a diamond. One of the best days of my life.

Then...

Marriage. Beautiful.

Now, let me just tell you, that the first year sucked. Honest to God it was so stressful and I feel like I blocked most of it from my mind. HA. We always say that each year gets better and better. And it does. We rode a lot of huge waves but truthfully, staying consistent and current with one another has kept us as close as it does. He embraces my sensitivity and I embrace his need for freedom. 

Then... TRIPS! Zac and I believe in time together taking adventures. We need time just the two of us. And a lot.

Breckenridge. 3 days of Ghost Adventures, sexy time and hiking in the snow.

Chicago trip together as a family.

Estes Park hiking. Drinking way too much at the hotel and finding ELK!

Family pictures.

Wedding as a family.

Love this man.

You and me baby.

My Birthday 2011.

My Zacy has given me the gift of two children, of encouraging my growth, listening to my dramatic sorrows, itching my legs, rubbing my back, creating new memories and being consistent in his ways.

Three years we celebrate tomorrow but truly most of my life, I have had Zac there. My friend. My buddy.

That's what marriage is... someone you like to do life with. It's more important than any other relationship besides the one with God.

I can't think of anyone in the world to do life with...

Happy 3 years Zac. I would do it all over.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu