Adult Child of Divorced Parents

Tonight I put my feet up after a grueling ten hour work day and pondered about the ideals surrounding marriage and family. I reflected on the nature of the institution of marriage, the expectation of motherhood, the relationships revolving around brothers and sisters and the loss that is felt for so many on these fronts.

I am an adult child of divorced parents. My parents divorced when I was a senior in high school, though their marriage had been troublesome for awhile. I’m not here to discuss the nature of their divorce... just my reflection as an adult child of divorced parents.

Unfortunately, it’s not the novelty it was even fifty years ago. The statistics these days are troubling. Almost 50% of marriages all end in divorce and that number doesn't change even among Christians. Most of my friends have divorced parents, others have parents who simply tolerate each other yet there are a tiny few that have parents who are loving and committed to one another. 

As a child of divorce, I will tell you right now, I hate it. I hate detachment that comes with divorce. It’s feels like someone is ripping something from the depth of your soul. 

Even when you know that it will bring peace to your family, the tsunami of grief comes and there is a new kind of pain. Sure, the old bickering, awkward, sad pain of watching your parents making poor choices can be hard and often the divorce releases some of these burdens...

Yet...

The children are always the ones that pay. They pay over, and over, and over again. Every birthday, holiday... every child being born... every wedding that passes... every turn of the season...

We are reminded.

We are the children of divorced parents.

I watch my peers, my friends and acquaintances spit in the face of marriage. Use manipulation and their own need for control to dictate their decesions. 

Never once thinking of their children that suffer.

Now, I believe that if there is spiritual, mental, verbal, sexual, or physical abuse going on in the home, obviously, there should be no toleration for that...

But follow me friends, I’m trying to go deeper than that.

It’s a heart issue... right?

I’m so sick and tired of watching Christian marriages fall apart all for the sake of “It’s best for my children.”

Let me tell you something... I’ve never cried so hard, grieved so deeply and ached so badly watching my family fall apart. I’ve never spent so many nights wrestling with my own demons surrounding the loss of a family I once thought was so perfect.

Zac and I have gone through a lot of hell in our marriage. It has been a difficult three, make it six, years. But if there is one thing I know about the two of us... it’s that when we said til death do us part... we meant it. 

As long as your hearts stay tender toward each other and the focus of your marriage leans heavily on a solid foundation, nothing will move that.

Selfishness and pride ruin marriages.

Let me say that again, selfishness and pride ruin marriages.

There is apart of me that wants to be sensitive I suppose. I watched my mom fight for her marriage for a very long time. I watched my dad give up that fight. I watched my siblings try to cope with the rawness that surrounded those ugly days.

I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of hearing how “justified” you are for leaving your husband, I’m tired of hearing of how you “deserved” a little fling because she doesn’t want to have sex with me, I’m tired of hearing how we just “fell apart and out of love.”

I’m tired of it. They are all excuses.

Your children will suffer because of your selfishness. Just wait. It may not happen now... but it will. 

Again, I’m not saying stay in a marriage that is abusive... but what I am saying is that as an adult of divorced parents, I am so tired of all the cowardice people in their “loveless” marriages.

What did you expect? Marriage to be some sort of cake walk? That it just “works” without work? That he/she will know how to love me unconditionally?

God is the only one with that ability. Everyone else will fail you... especially your spouse, time and time again.

I’m sad. I’m sad for these kids growing up in homes with brokenness. It makes me angry and it re traumatizes me and my grief at times.

Fight for your family. Fight for your marriage. It’s bloody and miserable at times but worth it... your kids are watching. 

I washed my face, put on my pajamas and began to fold up a few blankets and started to cry as I reflected on this. It’s such a profound loss. Zac watches me mourn this weekly... I wish, I wish more parents understood the enormous impact their selfishness takes on their children.

My messages is messy and not truly sound... but it’s raw and to me, it’s truth.

I sobbed watching this. This is my story.