Six Years Away

My last post on divorce garnered quite a bit of attention. I had over a thousand views in one week, lots of comments and even more private messages.

If I've learned anything from that post and my own processing regarding divorce, children and grace it is this:

1. Talking about divorce makes people very uncomfortable. 

I suppose I did not recognize the kind of backlash that comes with having a strong opinion about a topic that surrounds itself with negative connotations anyways. It's like... we know that divorce hurts people yet when someone comes out and says it, it's like they have taken a vicious beating. Perhaps it's a reminder of failure. Perhaps being on the defense is more common. Perhaps honesty isn't really what we want to hear.

2. Divorce is a million shades of grey.

I recognize that there are a myriad of stories. There are a million explanations. There are many circumstances that individualize themselves in every person's story. I was reflecting on this though and came to the conclusion that no matter what shade of grey... much of divorce is a gradual process. Is it not? I would argue that 90% of divorces are a slow, decaying process. Most people do not wake up one day and want to leave their husband/wife. 

Red flags. Right?

Poor choices. Right?

Attempting a go at a relationship that was never suppose to happen. Right?

Rushing into a committed relationship without doing the "homework." Right?

Now. I know people change, life changes, kids happen, jobs ebb and flow....

But what did you think marriage was?

Red flags. Poor choices. Rushing into a commitment. Believe that she/he will fix my "problems?" 

Zac always makes fun of me. I am obsessed with research. If he makes a claim about something I'll ask "Do you have research to back that up?" So now, whenever I dive into a intellectual conversation about ____, Zac always remarks... "So I'm sure you have research to back that up....

Yes, I'd say.

I found a report from the University of Chicago that talked about "happiness" in marriages/divorces. Now the study is a bit dated but I think it makes the point I'm trying to convey.


Divorce never solves your "I'm unhappy" attitude.

"• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on aver- age, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

• Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, com- pared to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

• The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been happily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated with dra- matic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.

• Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage.2

• Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships.

Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship (including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage five years later.

• Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later. Just one out of five of unhappy spouses who divorced or separated had happily remarried in the same time period."

So what exactly am I trying to say here?

My frustration comes from individuals who simply don't want to do the work. Who chase their own dreams and ignore the vows they made to their spouse and to their children. I value commitment. Children value commitment. 

Another longitudinal study looks at the long term effects of divorce on children. "It was found that, whereas divorce had more adverse effects for boys, remarriage was more disruptive for girls. The stability of the long-term adjustment of boys and girls differed, with externalizing being more stable in boys and internalizing more stable in girls. Children in divorced families encountered more negative life changes than children in nondivorced families, and these negative life changes were associated with behavior problems 6 years following divorce."

This study showed me two things:

1. The effects of divorce come at every stage of life.

When children are young or perhaps out of the house, a parent may perceive that his/her divorce effects only him/herself. That the kids will be "fine" because they have two parents that love them even though they chose not to be in a relationship any longer. Parents who get along after a divorce save children some hassle; however, the long term effects of grief never go away.

2. Divorce is a no win.

Whether or not you divorce for the right reasons... in my opinion chronic physical, sexual, mental, emotional, spiritual abuse, chronic infidelity or chronic addiction are all reasons I have seen that merit a divorce. God desires us to have peace but he didn't say we all deserved to be happy all the time. Even in my own parent's life, peace was brought on many levels but the undercurrent of grief returns over and over.

His grace is sufficient but you can not escape the consequences no matter what the circumstances.

So why do I write about it?

Because I'm a victim. Because I'm a wife. Because I'm a mother. Because I'm someone who is tired the selfishness of my peers. Because I'm someone who has worked through a lot of grief. Because I'm someone who needs to be the voice of the two... four.... ten year olds that don't have a voice. I'm what six years away looks like. I'm the walking confessional of pain that plants itself in a child, grows into a weed as a young adult and then must be toiled at as an adult.

I'm sorry if I seem harsh. That is never my intent. 

Just tired of the passivity. Tired of the nonchalance. Tired of watching children victimized by selfishness.