There is something about a new year, or rather, "New Years" that has always struck a negative cord in my being. A heartache that has resonated around this time.
It all began 4 years ago.
I found out I was pregnant December 27th 2006. I was home from college on break and it one of my friend's birthday. Being over a week late I took a pregnancy test in the bathroom at the party. I put the test on the tub and heard loud music playing in the bathroom. I nervously played with my hair as I rocked back and forth on the toilet. I'm sure the entire bathroom was shaking with my nervousness.
It was positive.
I called my best friend Kellie. All I could say was "It's positive..." She rushed to my aid and I threw up in the toilet...hoping that some how it would purge me of my problem. Because that is exactly what it was.
A huge, nasty, annoying problem.
I texted Zac who was snowboarding at the time. We weren't a couple by any means but we had always been really close friends. That had to mean something...right? He picked me up and the car was the only noise coming from his car. I sat in silence smoking my cigarettes. My mouth was dry and my lips were chapped. My whole body was detached.
This was never suppose to be my reality.
We sat and stared and looked at the mountains as if we were lonely wanderers looking at a majestic life we would now never have. It was a cold night as we smoked our cigarettes and rubbed our heads. We were two kids who liked to have sex. Everyone else was doing it. We didn't deserve to get pregnant.
We didn't talk much as our words seemed to be drowned out in a unbearable tension in the air. We were friends and lovers but now....what? What was I suppose to do with a growing thing in my belly.
More cigarettes I thought.
I drove home unaware of what my life would look like. I felt like I was damned to be a mother at barely 19. I told myself that I'll just "get through it" and actually avoid what I didn't want to face.
Then New Years rolled around 4 days later. I went to a friend's party. I was dressed up, looking cute and sexy. I felt the nausea more heavily now. I felt like I was the only one who really saw who I was. My pain was real and deep. I masked it with my outward facade. I smiled and laughed.
But I felt my heartache sitting in the pit of my stomach.
Everyone around me was laughing, drinking and having a good time. They cheered to good times, a future that is bright and exciting, and a lack of inhibition. I looked around and realized I was the only one different. I was now "other." I ran into the bathroom and fell to the ground. I remember the heels on my Steve Madden shoes were digging into the backs of my legs mirroring the unencumbered pain that was surfacing in my being. I grabbed the toilet and realized how badly I was shaking. A stream of harsh, angry tears streamed down my face. Everyone could hear me. At 11:56pm December 31 2006, I was sober and alone with no one to recognize the fullness of my realization.
I'm all alone now.
Hearing the cries, Zac rushed to my aid. To his credit he was trying to understand me but I wasn't even making sense. My words were not sentences. My body was not all there. My make-up smeared, my shirt wrinkled... my identity revealed. There we stood... two broken souls trying to figure out what the hell we were going to do with our life. He held me realizing that I had to battle a lot of it on my own. Nothing he could say could change me. We were two broken people trying to make sense of our life.
I spent New Years of 2006 to 2007 crying in a stranger's bedroom. It was the first night I realized my life would change forever. I had to bear the consequence of something I couldn't even understand at the time. I knew something was changing. This "New Year" was in fact a "New Life" and I was being awakened to something bigger than myself.
It was the night I began the transformation process. A night that is hard to remember but imperative to do so. Sometimes we want to leave the past in the past but on this night it was crucial for me remember... to marinate in those moments.
Four years later, I have a three and a half year old little boy who lights up my life. My little Cohen, my priest, sleeps in his room with his light saber one side and his "dee-dee" blanket on the other. I watch him toss and turn and realize the fullness of my reality...now.
Dear 2006 Mackenzie,
Keep your head held high. Remember who made you and who loves you. Remember who cares more than anyone else. Remember who sees the hard places that you don't want to look at. Remember your Abba daddy who sees both persons. The baby inside of you is your grace. He will bring the best out of you. He will point you in the direction of your purpose. Your future is bright.
Love,
2010 Mackenzie
