But alas, it did.
Cohen had the opportunity to shadow his new kindergarten class at AACL. We had talked about it last week, and he was so excited to try on a new class. He was sure he would have "homework" since he was in a big boy classroom and couldn't wait to meet all of the kids. We got to the school early so we sat in the car and talked for a few minutes before heading inside. Cohen had no nerves. I did. I felt like I was starting my first day of kindergarten. Cohen was joking around and I sat a bit nervously. It was strange.
I suppose I realized the importance of this particular transition in that moment. As parents, we spend years with our kids at home often times wondering....
When in the world can I send them to school??!
Cohen has been in preschool for a couple of years now but today felt different. It felt... bigger. I felt like I couldn't hide Cohen from the world anymore. He would see it now with his eyes.
I'm sure you feel the same way, to a degree, when your child graduates from high school. It's a bittersweet experience. Grateful, proud, excited, nervous, anxious, detached...
Perhaps, a bit sad?
I've watched Cohen coo for the first time, roll over, learn to army crawl, take his first steps, go to preschool, see the ocean for the first time, learn to laugh, put on his clothes, articulate his feelings, paint his name on paper...
So there we were, walking into the front office. I filled out paperwork smiling to the cute receptionist as I heard laughing and screaming from the kids in the hallway. The receptionist and her big toothy grin guided us both down the hall, through the kids, over the backpacks and around the corners. Cohen grabbed my hand halfway through. I knew he was trying to brave. What he didn't know is that I was fighting back tears myself.
Mommy was trying to be brave.
We walked into his classroom where there were big Mac computers, puzzles, games, toys, alphabets, numbers and more odds and ends than I have ever seen. We made our way outside to where the kindergarteners were playing on their very own playground. With only sixteen kids in Cohen's class, we were greeted with enthusiasm. The teach sat up, smiled and shook my hand.
Cohen let go of mine.
We chatted. Small talk. I tried to eye the kids.
Would they be nice? Behave? Treat Cohen fairly? Sweetly?
The teacher briefly showed me where they would be, I gave her Cohen's snack and then looked for Cohen to say goodbye.
He was gone.
He chatted to a little girl and then sprinted up the playground set. I eyed him for a few seconds. I didn't want to be the mother who called her child over a million times to come kiss her.
I remarked that he was incredibly independent, we chatted about pick up time and then I left. I walked outside and watched him play on the playground. He didn't see me there. He didn't need to hold my hand this time.
He was ok.
I got in my car and sat for a little while. That's when I started to cry.
Kids grow up so fast. The cliche is so true and in that moment, I knew it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled he's in school and that he is becoming more independent.... a little man.
My grief came from the realization that time is precious. Our words are precious. Our conversations are precious. Our laughter together is precious.
So I drove away. Confident of that I have done my part to prepare him for big boy school.
I'm so proud of who he has become and truly, what kind of mother he has helped me become. Baby T will receive so many of the benefits that come from all the years I spent with Cohen. Learning, trusting, seeking and observing.
My Coco has a very unique, special place in my heart and someday I hope to share that with him.
A mother's love is unlike anything I've ever experienced.
I'm learning how to not only ride this train but guide, conduct and understand it as well.
