The Perfect Question

Cohen grounds me. He reminds me how human I really am. He kisses my face and tells me I am his princess. He lies his head on my stomach and smiles big. He shows me Jesus. Everyday.

That is why tonight's experience opened my eyes. It gently reminded me of the incredible role I have.

Again, typically night at school. I have health psychology tonight from 7-10pm and frankly I just was not in the mood to go. I love to learn, yes. But tonight, I was missing my Cohen. I hadn't seen him all day and going to class would mean I wouldn't see him until morning. Blah, blah, blah... victim, victim, victim.

One more semester Mackenzie, you got this. Haha, you should really see me... I actually give myself a pep talk before some of the classes. :)

I strolled into my class where we are packed like sardines. There are 55+ of all of us and we are crammed in those little desks (that I swear were made for 2nd graders). I nonchalantly sat down in middle row/middle desk seat. For some reason I was super fidgety. I played with my hair, chewed my gum like a drug and tapped by impatient foot against the desk in front of me.

Our pleasantly plump precious teacher stood up at the front and with a big toothy grin informed the class that we were going to do a fun little ice breaker.

Am I the only one that hates ice breakers?

Half the class rolled their eyes and the other half I'm sure could careless. Here we are.... college students... playing an ice breaker game. Awesome.

I was relatively thrilled because any chance to not sit in those desks was a fantastic idea.

We played an ice breaker that involved the teacher declaring "this or that" statements. For example: Are you more of a tortoise or a hare? Do you consider yourself a liquor cabinet or a book shelf? Do you like the beach or the mountains? Are you a cat or a dog?

They are silly in nature but the class trekked back and forth in the tiny classroom. Most of the time we are all laughing. I mean the questions were just so outlandish! Of course, most of the kids decided they were "liquor cabinets" (I mean really... we're in college) and other times I could hear jokes about the dog vs. cat debate (do you realize that people actually get heated over cats??!!). Then she asked a hilarious questions,"Are you a Colorado person or a Texas person? HA! The entire class ran to the left side of the classroom. No one would be caught dead saying they chose Texas over Colorado. I was in the very front of the massive group to the left as we all smashed into each other. We were all laughing and commenting on the great nation of Texas.

Then my teacher smiled her big tooth smile and stated her next question "If you have kids go to the right, if you don't stay to the left."

I tousled my hair, pulled on my jacket and walked to the right side of the classroom. I walked confidently. I kept thinking about Cohen and his big fat wet kisses, his laugh that is contagious, his ability to manipulate me into giving him cookies and his strange fascination with scissors. Time seemed to slow down as I walked 9 steps to the other side of the room.

Then I turned around still smiling. I looked quickly to my left and right sides. A shrill of adrenaline came over me, the introvert.

No one was next to me. Did I just walk the plank?

Immediately I thought I would be embarrassed and upset. I thought I would play dumb and run to the other end of the room. I thought I would make up some excuse about being a mom and how it was an accident.

But there I stood, hands twitching, looking at the 100+ eyes darting their attention strait at me.

I never wanted to be a mom. I never wanted kids. I didn't enjoy kids. I was completely set on being selfish for the rest of my life and perhaps---eh---maybe kids when I was 40. And actually, probably just one. I remember years earlier standing in my college freshman English class 6 months pregnant with Cohen and telling the class that I was expecting a baby. No one knew. I wasn't proud. I wasn't enthusiastic. I wasn't ecstatic. And I didn't care. About anyone. I resented my big bump that was my child.

This moment mirrored that moment to a tee. I was almost on the verge of tears. It was a painfully emotional moment for me. When we are faced with life the way we knew and the life as we know it now... it hurts.

I shrugged those horrid feelings off and sighed.

I stood for the first time in front of a classroom proud of my label. Proud of being a mother. Proud to look into each of their 100+ eyes and smile knowing that yes I was different than them but my severe loyalty as a mother won over.

To the back I heard a guy yell "You look like you're 17!"

Instead of being resentful, I smiled and said "I hope he's saying that in 20 years!"

Everyone laughed. Awww yes, the real ice breaker was now made.

I closed my eyes for a moment and pictured my baby boy. What a gift I have been given and what an incredible little boy to be so proud of.

The teacher was finished with her questions and we all scurried back to our seats. I felt an overwhelming peace.

I was different than everyone else. But that's ok. I'm young. But that's ok.

I was proud.

And that reminder my friends, was a big wet kiss from my Abba.