I...

met and interesting woman tonight.

There I was in my Theories of Personality class student #59 racing to my seat as the clock struck 4:30pm on the dot. It is a large class of about 100 students. Most everyone is chatting and the term "clanging symbol" came to mind. Colorful characters strewn about as I opened the classroom door.

Wow this is a rowdy group, I thought.

I sat at the only chair that seemed to be last in the very last row of the class. It is always such a sight to walk slowly up the steps to your seat.

Is my hair a mess? Probably. Is my fly down? Who knows, Can't check now I have too many books in my hand. Is everyone staring at me? Eh, like I really care.

I threw my books on the table, took off my twelve layers of clothing (don'tcha love Colorado) and plopped in my seat. I was not in the mood to talk to anyone. I have two 3 hour classes on Monday nights and the quicker I can get them over with the better.

I looked to my left and an overweight middle eastern girl who had a face that was flawless (Her skin was like a dolls!) was sitting next to me. She was quiet but fidgeting. She was probably in her late twenties but dressed like she was in high school. Wait, who am I kidding. I still dress like I did in high school. I accidentally made eye contact with her as I grabbed a pen out of my purse and smiled.

She didn't smile back. In fact, she flat out rolled her eyes at me.

So here I am, exhausted and a bit grumpy not wanting to extend myself in the least bit. I mean, she obviously didn't want to talk and the lecture was starting soon so it was fine.

Just a typical college class right?

MMMMMMMMMMM nope.

I pulled out my folder and opened my book as the teacher posed this question to the class...

We are going to get to know one another. Get into a small group and talk about what you think defines you. What is your personality?

Great. Here I am in the very back corner of the class. Which means rolly-eye-girl and I were going to be partners. I truly wanted to extend myself but frankly, I am an introvert. Since it's a personality class can't I just say I'm introverted to her and then get back to work?

I looked at her and gave all my effort to put on a really good face. Like seriously, gave all my effort.

Hi, I'm Mackenzie, what is your name?

Melissa.

Awesome! What's your major here?

I'm doubling degrees and minors.

Nice! That must be a ton of work. How impressive. What would that be in?

Forensics and Psychology. I want to be a forensic psychologist at some point.

Interesting... that must be a really cool avenue of study.

Yeah it is. So what's your major?

Well I have changed a bunch. I decided to move away from English Education as student teaching doesn't work with my work schedule and my mommy/wife schedule.

You have a kid? You're way too young.

(Wanting to roll my eyes) Yes, I know I was really young. Do you have kids?

Nope, screw that sh*t, I hate kids.

Me...trying to change the subject. Are you married?

I f*cking hate men too. I divorced my husband last year. We had a contractual marriage and he fell in love with me. I don't want kids, I don't a marriage and frankly you'll probably be the only person I will ever talk to in this class.

(Me, completely stunned but trying to stay calm... I see a lot of hurt, a LOT of hurt in her eyes) Well Melissa, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to but I'll always lend a listening ear.

Yeah yeah thanks.

*Awkward silence*

(Me, really going out on a limb... I swear the words just dripped out of my mouth) Is there anything I can help you with Melissa?

Nawww. I'm just ready to get my degree and do something with my life.

I understand...we're not that different. We both seem like introverts. We have the same personality (laughter). Should be a fun class!

The teacher interrupted everyone to get back to the lecture. I felt a strange sense of sadness for Melissa. She was in the military, alone and with no one who supported her. I was the only person who had probably tapped into her reality in a long time.

I smiled at her the rest of the 3 hours but didn't say anything to her. I didn't know what to say. How do you tell someone who has lost almost everything and are hurting soo bad that God loves and sees them?

I got all my books and smiled good-bye to Melissa as I scurried to my next class.

The Lord spoke to me as I climbed the 3 flights of stairs.

Mackenzie, you don't have to tell her that I love her. You are me to her. Just listen to her, show up for her, you are intuitive. Why do you think you sat next to her out of the 100 seats in the class?

I prayed for Melissa. Her heartache is real and obviously the wounds of something are so far deeper than I thought.

Who have you sat next to recently? Who have you engaged in conversation with?

I make it a goal each day to look strangers in the eye and smile. You'd be amazed by what happens. Some people are scared, some look away, some smile back and sometimes if you extend just a little bit more... they open up.

We all have a story. But are you willing to listen to someone elses?

Tonight

I am officially back into the swing of things. The big fat swing that spins round and round like a never ending roller coaster ride that I begged to get on.

Geez.

I started school last week and when Friday night came around... I realized how incredibly difficult this semester is going to be. I haven't had a major freak out yet (I have about 4 a semester, ha) so I think I am starting on a relatively good foot. But we will see.

My classes are as follows:

Intercultural Communications

Cross Cultural Psychology

Theories of Personality

British Literature 4

American Literature after the 1920's

Health Psychology

I'm excited for my Health Psychology class. One of our big projects is make a positive health change. My change will be to be physically active for 45 minutes, 3 times a week. Seems easy right? Well considering my week is full...we shall see. I am anticipating the project and fearing it all at the same time.

I mean, who doesn't want to be healthy? :/

I have cut my hours this semester from 35-40hr weeks to 25 hr weeks. The stress of trying to keep my grades and keeping a store together was putting me at a brink. Very grateful my job has allowed me to do this. Sometimes I look at my week and think... What are you thinking Mackenzie?

Truthfully, I'm not sure of the answer.

I am ahead on all my homework though (currently) and I am feeling confident to just relax tonight. I am drinking a delicious lager in a wine glass, laundry is pounding recklessly behind me and I hear the shrill of "Call of Duty Black Ops" lingering in the other room.

Life is full, rich and tonight I am savoring no stress.

It's nice to be here... I don't get to come here often.

Still praying that God shows Zac and I his will for this next season of our lives. It is the one thing I hold terribly tight to heart and at times have a difficult time releasing it to the Lord.

Ugh.

Perhaps I'll go make some delicious swirl bread and some unhealthy chocolate chip cookies. This maybe the only night for awhile to do.

Just.

Savoring the moment.

H2-OHHHHHH!!!

Before you start reading go get a glass of water (like a big glass of water) and start drinking it.

It didn't feel fitting not to tell the story of the night I felt I was going to die. Zac and I both documented in a journal... it's just too incredible not to tell.

Now, I know what you're thinking... There is no way someone can die from what happened. Well, that may be the case, but that doesn't change the immense feeling of terror that I felt for the first time...ever.

Zac and I don't get a lot of alone time together and if we do we are both exhausted (anyone else relate?). So when a plan is made to go out of town for a 2 day 1 night adventure, one looks forward to it...verrrrry much!

Alone Time....amazing.

We drove to Mount Princeton Resort and we were both excited for two days of relaxing in the hot springs. When we got there and saw our cliffside view....we were in awe. It was so gorgeous. So relaxing. So peaceful.

We got our swimsuits on and headed to the hot springs. It was so incredible. The freezing cold river was flowing and we sat on the rocks on the outer banks in temps from 100-160 degrees. I was in heaven. It was 20 degrees outside and we were in natural river water basically taking a bath!

When we got out of the hot springs I felt really light headed. I wrote it off as the extreme temperatures throwing my body off. I got into the car to drive back to our place and I knew something was wrong.

My mind was fuzzy and I was so nauseated.

I got back to our place and drank 4 big glasses of water. I had all the symptoms of the stomach flu. Nausea, diarrhea, aches/pain and a headache. I just need more water I thought. Zac was worried but knew I could hold my own. I, however, wasn't so sure. Are you still drinking your water I told you to start drinking?

We got back in the car to drive to a brewery (our favorite thing to do) that was recommended to us in Salida. The entire car ride I felt like I was having the worst anxiety attack. I was dizzy, confused, sick and had no idea what was wrong with me. I drank another 32 oz of water and a gatorade. My stomach was feeling better but I was growing fatigued and weak. Zac told me he would just grab a sandwich and Wal-Mart so we could head back to our place.

Here I go, I thought, ruining another vacation.

I am such a people pleaser but at this moment; I just needed to get back to our place. When we got back I told Zac I needed to go to the hospital. I was disoriented and my body was twitching. Not having any health insurance (grrr...that's a different post) we try to avoid doctors and hospitals at all costs. So we drove to the hospital and sat in the parking lot waiting until I felt better so we wouldn't have to pay.

My dizziness had gone away and I was feeling a little more relaxed. We headed back to our place and chatted for a couple hours while I laid down. It was a lot of fun. We laughed about being young. All the shenanigans we got into. And ultimately how Cohen changed our whole life.

Oh, no bedtime.

It was about 10pm and I was growing tired. My whole body was hot so I got into bed and tried to sleep. About five minutes later Zac came over and started to ask me questions. I had a hard time answering them. I was confused and didn't know how I was feeling. I was hot but didn't want to move. I started to shake complaining of being cold. Zac began putting beer bottles on me (as that was the only cold packs we had...ha) and told me to hold still so he could do so. I began to scream and told him not to put them on me.

Mackenzie, get out of bed we are going to the hospital.

I slowly got out of bed and fell to the floor when I tried to stand. I couldn't feel my feet. My arms were cramping and growing numb. My heart rate was so fast and this feeling of impending doom came upon me. Zac pulled back up on the bed. I felt like I was fading...

Zac, I'm going to die tonight.

Since we are out in the middle of no where it took an ambulance 30 minutes to get where we were. The entire time Zac is on the phone I can be heard saying "Jesus, be with me" "Jesus, I want to see Cohen" "Jesus, I'm not ready"... since I am so dehydrated there were no tears coming down my face but I was whimpering. I couldn't feel my hands. My mouth was so dry. My lips chapped. I felt so weak. Seriously guys...not being dramatic... it was horrible.

The ambulance crew walked in and I'm sure they were confused. Here we are in this romantic suite and I am half naked (because I was so hot) with beer bottles all over me. I could only imagine what they thought for a split second.

They asked my name and where I was. I knew but I had a hard time saying the words as each time I spoke I became really winded. They hooked me up to oxygen and monitored my heart rate. It was elevated and I had a lot of CO2 in my system.

My body was going into shock.

They hauled me onto the ambulance and took blood samples. When he told me I was going to receive Valium, I told him I was sensitive to medications. He only gave me half. Thanks Mr. Ambulance Man. My doctor gave me plenty of fluids and potassium as I was severely deficient in both. Zac and I just sat there looking at each other as the IV pumped me full of fluids.

It was then I started to cry.

Zac, I'm sorry I ruined our vacation. I'm sorry that we are going to have to pay a hospital bill we can't afford. I'm sorry that you are so tired and have to drive me home. I'm sorry we didn't spend our night together in a romantic way. I was crying so hard. I felt like I had ruined everything.

He just smiled at me and told me that my life is more important than a hospital bill but for "practical Mackenzie" it seemed that we were now only adding to the stress of finances. I was mad at myself.

The discharged me almost 4 hours later. I wasn't allowed in the hot springs and had to drink lots and lots of fluids---hence my 2 gallon a day H2O spree---but as I got in the car I remembered something.

Romance doesn't mean happy and easy.

Romance is when I am screaming in pain and Zac rub my hand as he talks to the dispatcher on the phone. Romance is saying "Don't worry about the money, you're worth it." Romance is laughing in spite of the seriousness to ease my nervousness. Romance is driving your dehydrated and sick wife home while holding her hand. Romance is filling out medical paperwork so I can rest. Romance is staying up to make sure I fall asleep. Romance is getting up early to get me breakfast. So in that sense, I had a very romantic time away with my husband. My Zacy. My friend. My best friend.

I was told I had a viral infection (stomach) along with being severely dehydrated and my body could not absorb the water as I was lacking severely in potassium. It was horrific. I drink 2 gallons a day so I never have to experience that again.

One of my regulars at work said "Oh yeah, my brother died from that..."

Well...thanks. :)

I had romance in a new way this weekend. I learned that I have to take care of my body more than taking care of other "stuff." That our body actually does need water!! Maybe one day we'll go back....

Seriously though... are you done drinking your glass of water?

A New Year

There is something about a new year, or rather, "New Years" that has always struck a negative cord in my being. A heartache that has resonated around this time.

It all began 4 years ago.

I found out I was pregnant December 27th 2006. I was home from college on break and it one of my friend's birthday. Being over a week late I took a pregnancy test in the bathroom at the party. I put the test on the tub and heard loud music playing in the bathroom. I nervously played with my hair as I rocked back and forth on the toilet. I'm sure the entire bathroom was shaking with my nervousness.

It was positive.

I called my best friend Kellie. All I could say was "It's positive..." She rushed to my aid and I threw up in the toilet...hoping that some how it would purge me of my problem. Because that is exactly what it was.

A huge, nasty, annoying problem.

I texted Zac who was snowboarding at the time. We weren't a couple by any means but we had always been really close friends. That had to mean something...right? He picked me up and the car was the only noise coming from his car. I sat in silence smoking my cigarettes. My mouth was dry and my lips were chapped. My whole body was detached.

This was never suppose to be my reality.

We sat and stared and looked at the mountains as if we were lonely wanderers looking at a majestic life we would now never have. It was a cold night as we smoked our cigarettes and rubbed our heads. We were two kids who liked to have sex. Everyone else was doing it. We didn't deserve to get pregnant.

We didn't talk much as our words seemed to be drowned out in a unbearable tension in the air. We were friends and lovers but now....what? What was I suppose to do with a growing thing in my belly.

More cigarettes I thought.

I drove home unaware of what my life would look like. I felt like I was damned to be a mother at barely 19. I told myself that I'll just "get through it" and actually avoid what I didn't want to face.

Then New Years rolled around 4 days later. I went to a friend's party. I was dressed up, looking cute and sexy. I felt the nausea more heavily now. I felt like I was the only one who really saw who I was. My pain was real and deep. I masked it with my outward facade. I smiled and laughed.

But I felt my heartache sitting in the pit of my stomach.

Everyone around me was laughing, drinking and having a good time. They cheered to good times, a future that is bright and exciting, and a lack of inhibition. I looked around and realized I was the only one different. I was now "other." I ran into the bathroom and fell to the ground. I remember the heels on my Steve Madden shoes were digging into the backs of my legs mirroring the unencumbered pain that was surfacing in my being. I grabbed the toilet and realized how badly I was shaking. A stream of harsh, angry tears streamed down my face. Everyone could hear me. At 11:56pm December 31 2006, I was sober and alone with no one to recognize the fullness of my realization.

I'm all alone now.

Hearing the cries, Zac rushed to my aid. To his credit he was trying to understand me but I wasn't even making sense. My words were not sentences. My body was not all there. My make-up smeared, my shirt wrinkled... my identity revealed. There we stood... two broken souls trying to figure out what the hell we were going to do with our life. He held me realizing that I had to battle a lot of it on my own. Nothing he could say could change me. We were two broken people trying to make sense of our life.

I spent New Years of 2006 to 2007 crying in a stranger's bedroom. It was the first night I realized my life would change forever. I had to bear the consequence of something I couldn't even understand at the time. I knew something was changing. This "New Year" was in fact a "New Life" and I was being awakened to something bigger than myself.

It was the night I began the transformation process. A night that is hard to remember but imperative to do so. Sometimes we want to leave the past in the past but on this night it was crucial for me remember... to marinate in those moments.

Four years later, I have a three and a half year old little boy who lights up my life. My little Cohen, my priest, sleeps in his room with his light saber one side and his "dee-dee" blanket on the other. I watch him toss and turn and realize the fullness of my reality...now.

Dear 2006 Mackenzie,

Keep your head held high. Remember who made you and who loves you. Remember who cares more than anyone else. Remember who sees the hard places that you don't want to look at. Remember your Abba daddy who sees both persons. The baby inside of you is your grace. He will bring the best out of you. He will point you in the direction of your purpose. Your future is bright.

Love,

2010 Mackenzie

Victim or Victor

Every child that comes from a family of divorced parents acts out in different ways. Though some individuals seem to leave a broken home "unscathed," it is much more normal to have, at least a season, of rebellion. There are (in my opinion) four major ways kids of divorced parents can act.

1. The "I-am-a-victim-and-everyone-is-out-to-get-me"passive perspective

2. The "Screw-you-I'll-do-what-I-want" aggressive perspective

3. The "I'll-internalize-all-my-feelings" passive aggressive perspective

4. The "I-ruined-my-parent's-marriage" passive perspective

See, rebellion doesn't mean black fingernail polish, green hair and breaking curfew. Rebellion is not an action but the way one lives. One doesn't "act" rebellious but rather one "lives" rebellious. And the root of all of these three perspectives is simply... pride.

One of my most favorite quotes comes from an anonymous source. It reads:

“Accept fate, and move on. Don't yield to the seductive pull of self-pity. Acting like a victim threatens your future.”

Who would have ever thought that one's wallowing in self-pity leads to a destructive future?

When my parents went through their divorce, there were many moments where I felt that life would never get back to normal. I would never be able to move past my grief and I could easily fall into divorce in my own life.

I remember staring at my husband my wedding day and wondering "Could it really last forever?"

No matter how one reacts to a divorce it is important to realize three things:

1. I am not the reason my parents got a divorce

It seems so easy to say but difficult to understand. At times I remember wondering how I could have done life differently. Did I make life more difficult than it should have been? Again, the pride thing... those who are prideful would OF COURSE believe that THEY are the ones who caused _______. It's the root of all destruction, let me tell ya.

2. I can have a marriage that is entirely separate of what I have seen.

I always heard the saying that little boys want to marry their mommies and little girls want to marry their daddies. I'm sorry, but that is just sick. Seriously??! Nothing against mommies and daddies but I hope Cohen marries someone because he loves her and is not even subconsciously thinking about me. We are not our parents! That's not a bad thing but a liberating epiphany! Run your race, not someone elses.

Bottom line: The man you are married to is not your dad. The woman you are married to is not your mom. They shouldn't have to make up for what your parents didn't give you. That's God's job and no one elses. Embrace a new identity of oneness in your own marriage. It is so liberating.

3. Accept that your parent's aren't perfect and forgive.

So your mom had sex with your dad before they were married. Your mom had an affair. Your dad had a gambling addiction at one point. UNLESS THEY HAVE NOT TAKEN RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN LIFE, embrace them and move on. Often times we sin in response to someone sinning against us BUT we can stop the cycle. It takes severe spiritual maturity to forgive your parents and move on. The burdens of their past are not yours to bear.

This most difficult aspect of a parent/child relationship for a child is to see their parents not walking in truth and freedom. It is heartbreaking and at times so difficult but it is crucial to reject the co-dependence. Pray and allow only a relationship with strict boundaries.

Ultimately, one must walk in freedom and truth. As a child of divorced parents there is nothing I desire and appreciate more than truth and authenticity. Not just with words but with a lifestyle.

Be the victor and your own life and marriage apart from what you have seen or heard. Mistakes your parents have made are not yours to try to fix but rather these obstacles are a small hurdle that the Lord helps us jump over if we ask.

Slowing It Down

I put Cohen down for a nap today after many attempts. I did the timer-thing, the bribe-thing, the you-better-listen-or-dad-will-whoop-you-thing, the I-love-you-so-much-thing but ultimately all he wanted was some independence. While I was folding laundry and had given up hope on a nap (he's three and a half anyway), he slowly walked toward me with cautious eyes and told me he was ready for bed. His ratty old blanket was wrapped around his neck a few times which was the only thing he needed. I put him down and he rolled over and fell asleep.

I didn't know what to do with myself after he had fallen asleep. I have this theory that our bodies do better when we are going 100mph and when a busy life stops everything crashes in.

I didn't know what to do with myself.

Now that school has stopped and my mind is not racing all the time, Relaxing is a strange force. I think especially as women or maybe ESPECIALLY as mothers, relaxing seems to always come with a price.

I sat down on the couch and looked around the room for something to do. I could: clean Cohen's toys, vacuum (again), wash my sheets (again), read a book, do...something. I felt a strange sense of anxiety not knowing what to do. I put my head on the pillow and began to realize how tired I really was. Now this isn't a complaining "I'm so tired" feeling but rather an ache to have a moment of quiet.

A real moment of quiet.

Whenever a break comes along I always get sick. I think it's because I allow my body to feel what I have refused it for months. Sometimes 45 minutes with your head on a pillow in the middle of a messy room is ok. I still struggle with that.

I am the kind of girl that comes home from a long day of work and school and without taking off my jacket or purse starts the laundry, dinner and cleaning up. It's as if my mind doesn't know how to just be or just be quiet. My problem has always been to just "be in the moment" as I always am wondering "how am I going to clean all this up?"

If I don't do it, who will?

Life is messy and inconsistent. We can fight it like Cohen did not wanting his nap or we can choose to embrace the mess and allow God to let us sleep while he does his work.

So here I go... quiet, ready and with my head on the pillow.

I'll Keep My Cough Thanks

I have this weird thing about taking medications.

I don’t know when it started and I don’t know why it started but it has started.

As long as I can remember, I hated taking medications. I am huge advocate of “sticking it out” through the pain because our bodies were meant to fight infection or whatever on their own.

Seems simple enough right?

Well… It has turned into a bit of a phobia. Ok maybe a big phobia. I won’t take any medication if I have any alcohol in my system. I won’t take more than 2 Ibuprofen, Tylenols or etc. in a 24 hour period. I won’t take Immodium (why would you ever tell your body to clog itself up?). I won’t take experimental dietary supplements and I track my vitamins/minerals so I don’t overdose on any of them. I will only take half of Dayquill or Nightquill (I will only take Nightquill if it is past midnight and I haven’t fallen asleep). I won’t take Tylenol PM at all. In fact, I won’t take anything that is supposed to help me sleep. I won’t take any cough suppressants (we are suppose to cough!). I hate taking my birth control pills (been on 8 different kinds) because I have had nothing but negative reactions…ever. But hence, I do not want to be pregnant. Running nose? Cough? Sore throat? Normal. Won’t even take ibuprofen. My mom usually has to convince me to go to a doctor. Cramps? Forget Midol! That stuff has caffeine in it!

Oh, and I avoid caffeine and all stimulants.

And truthfully a big reason why I do is that my body is so dang sensitive to all medications.

The thought of combining any medications ie: Gas X and Pepto, Tylonel and Ibuprofen, Dayquil and a decongestant is absolutely horrifying to me.

I get panic attacks.

It’s a little nuts.

So it is always difficult when I go to my dermatologist to get a cortisone shot for my severe eczema. I try to pretend that I don’t need one (as my hands crack, bleed, ooze) and topical steroid creams don’t work.

But I need them. And they have helped in the past.

I allow myself to get one once a year (though my doctor tells me I can get more). I don’t ever want my body dependent on any drug.

So today I went into the doctors office and the nurse whipped out the shot. I sat there and began to panic. Really really bad. It took everything in me to not pass out.

I google search everything and there is a lot of negative feedback about cortisone shots but there is nothing else I can do for my eczema at this point (I have had it for years…trust me, I have tried everything even if it made me anxious).

I mean, you could die from a cortisone shot, it could cause heart failure or you could lose tissue in your body. It lowers your immunity so I kept thinking, “What if I got the flu? Would I die? Would my body be able to fight the infection?’

I’m sure there has to be some sort of moderation somewhere. But I genuinely hate taking medicine. Our bodies are so fickle and at any point a negative reaction could lead to one thing, then another…then death.

It feeds my anxiety and thus I avoid medication at all costs. So when Cohen drank half a bottle of children’s ibuprofen, I don’t know who felt worse: Me or Cohen?

Am I the only one like this? As individuals it seems we are always trying to mask the symptoms or make our selves feel better when our bodies is suppose to do it.

I hope one day I can get a shot and walk away feeling better instead of feeling worse.

I just have this belief that pharmaceutical companies just want your money and want you to take their drugs even if you don’t need them.

Ugh, but that is for a different post.