Enough?

Last week I sat through a fantastically trashy movie… Sex and the City 2… I was excited for the fashion, fun, girls and a silly plot that my mind could tune out to. However a scene in particular left me deep in thought as a left the theatre.

I guess something struck a chord with me sitting through Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte’s silly antics.

There was a scene when Miranda (I swear I’m not spoiling anything) and Charlotte are on vacation and have a couple drinks together. Miranda asks if she can confess something. She had just quit her job and had been full time at home with her son who was roughly eight years old. She confessed…

I love my son and I care for him deeply… but it’s not enough.

Wow Miranda… took the words right out of my mouth. I pondered this for awhile. I felt the same way. I always remember growing up the disdain I had toward babysitting and was never asked. Tati was the go-to girl. ☺ I never enjoyed volunteering at the church nursery like the other girls did. I didn’t like kids. Not in a mean way… I just didn’t. As an eleven year old I would rather sit with the adults than play outside.

As a mother now I still battle the mom title. I believe every woman is capable of being a nurturing mother but some women defiantly are more at ease with motherhood.

I am not.

I suppose this may sound selfish and I truly don’t mean it to. If my only role was mother I would be disappointed in myself. I am not minimizing the women who do it because gee whiz is it a job! But for me, it’s not enough. I know people are the most important things in life... especially family. I recognize accomplishments are fleeting and family is forever. Hence... my struggle.

I don’t want lots of kids. I don’t desire to be a soccer mom. I never want to own a mini-van. I try to reason with Cohen like he is an adult for goodness sake.

I love Cohen and care for him deeply… but it is not enough. And that at times sounds so sour coming out of my mouth.

Some of that needs to be refined in me but truthfully a lot of that feeling stems from who I am.

I don’t want a big family life and recently I have had to come to terms with where I am at as a woman/wife/mom/friend/coworker… It is difficult to walk these things out. Especially when I admire so many mothers that sacrifice everything for their children. Their hopes, dreams, schooling and passions. I just... don't get that.

I applaud the women who choose to make motherhood their life and passion. Motherhood is not for the faint hearted.

I just never would. And I'm coming to terms with that.